Saturday, June 18, 2011

That Sinking Feeling

I feel I have to watch and wait, while a friend sinks.
This is the same friend I have witnessed crash and burn time after time.
While this friend, Cary (a pseudonym) has always been a survivor...
I know this time, is different.

It is not comfortable for me to sit on the sidelines knowing there are tiny holes in Cary's boat and once those holes fill with water, Cary will go down with the ship.
I have warned Cary.
I called Cary.
Indeed, I have spoken to Cary many times, the last conversation ended up rather heated, with Cary hanging up on me.
Then I wrote Cary.
Cary did not reply.
I called Cary again.
Cary did not pick up.
I stopped trying because I realize now....
on those rare occasions when Cary did appear to listen, Cary wasn't really listening or hearing.
Cary just turned a deaf eye and a blind eye in my direction, giving me a complacent nod...
because Cary is an addict.
I will not tell you what Cary is addicted to.
Nor will I tell you whether Cary is a man or a woman.
And I can not tell you how long I have known Cary, where Cary lives, or what Cary does.
Let's just say I have known Cary for a long enough time to know Cary repeated and repeats this same pattern, day after day, month after month, year after year.
Repeating the same pattern over and over again... and expecting a different result.... is one definition of insanity.
I'd say that is the case here. Only on the outside.... Cary does not appear insane.

Cary indulges in the addiction... the addiction takes hold... the part of the brain that might normally say stop, says go...
and it is no longer the person is the addict.
Everyone falls by the wayside, family, friends while the addiction burrows in like a tapeworm.
Cary could be using street drugs, prescription drugs, whiffing, snorting, shooting up.
Cary could be in love with a dangerous, destructive person.
Cary could be a compulsive gambler, cheater.
Cary could be eating way too much or not eating all all.

I think many of us have people like Cary in our lives.
We have sent up red flags, put out huge warning signs, have screamed "fire," yet nothing works.
Then comes the time to let that person go.
And that's the hardest thing for this friend...
and P.I. to do now.

I woke up this morning with two things on my my mind.
Cary. And this blog.
I need to change the blog while I write a book.
That will begin tomorrow.
Today, however, I wanted to try.... one last time.... to save Cary.
One... last... time.

Cary's boat is leaving the dock and Cary is heading to an area like Cape Horn.
Not many ships make it safely around Cape Horn... let alone a boat with holes and a delusional Captain at the wheel.
Yet because Cary has survived a lifetime of stormy waters, Cary believes it's smooth sailing ahead.
I, and others who know, care for, or love Cary, believe a safe harbor at the end of this crossing is not possible.
Only those with a steady, wise, unbiased, well-schooled hand at the helm and objective eyes on the seas, can make it through a Cape Horn.
Cary is heading towards the most treacherous of seas....
lost in the hormones... or the drugs.... or the food...the addiction... the desire... the want...
whatever it is that causes all the people like Cary to substitute emotion for logic.
Cary's only companion on this final journey is no friend.
The companion is an addiction desperate to be fed.
And when the mask comes off  and Cary discovers a demon in the boat, Cary will be devoured, if the boat doesn't sink first.
Cary is clueless.
Consumed by desire, lust, whatever....
Cary made the decision to proceed on the same course safely traveled so many times in the past years. No lessons were learned from the bumps and bruises along prior journeys.

Cary simply does not or refuses to see the earth has shifted on its axis.
The object of Cary's desire rules, not Cary.
So despite the warning signs... the past patterns.....the pleas from loved ones, Cary now sees as adversaries....
despite the storms ahead...the holes in the boat... Cary proceeds on what I believe is a route to self-destruction.
And as much as I thought maybe I could do or say one last thing this morning to save Cary, I know all efforts are futile and I must let Cary go.
If Cary had threatened suicide,  or even suggested bringing harm to self or others -- I could call in the troops.
However Cary is doing what Cary always does.
The troops are tired, skeptical and cynical.
And Cary is so determined, there is nothing for me to do but watch from the dock as the Cary's boat heads to sea...even though it is not seaworthy.
I will watch until it becomes a tiny speck on the horizon.
Then I will have a funeral in my head and bid Cary goodbye because I do not believe it is possible for Cary to make it back this time.
And unless Cary gets to this blog (doubtful), or  has an epiphany (equally doubtful) before embarking...
unless Cary decides things are getting rough and notices the leaks in the boat and changes course...
Cary is going down with the ship.
And so with this last sentence I let Cary go.
It's time for me to get back on course.

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