Posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
DearPrivateEye@Gmail.com - Domestic Violence
Dear Private Eye:
My boyfriend is hitting me, but the Sheriff's Department says there is nothing I can do unless I have witnesses or visible marks to prove it. I love him. And I don't want to leave him. But I need this violence to stop. I thought the Sheriff would shake some sense into him, but they say they can only do something if there are visible marks.
Signed,
"Love Struck"
------------------------------
Dear Love Struck,
Leave the guy. He's no boyfriend, he's an abuser. And physical violence in relationships always escalates. Maybe you are with him because you think you can change him, however you can't. Maybe you are with him because you like the times he apologizes after his anger passes, because he's always so nice. Don't be fooled. His violence is cyclical behavior. Also know the most dangerous time for you when you leave an abuser is right after you leave, so lay low and go into hiding if you can. At the very least, alter your daily patterns. Have friends for back-up, look-outs, protection. Alert the police. Get a restraining order. Do not let him find you. May I also suggest, wherever you go, you consider covert video surveillance equipment just in case he shows up and strikes out. Then I suspect, the video evidence may leave a few marks on his records.
I do not see any way out of this, Love Struck, other than to strike out on your own and leave the guy behind. He's loser because he's an abuser.
Sincerely,
Your Private Eye
Monday, June 27, 2011
DearPrivateEye@Gmail.com - Child Custody Issue
Dear Private Eye:
My wife and I divorced over a year ago. She's a spiteful, angry woman, from a spiteful, angry wealthy family and I'm a blue collar working class guy they never liked from day one. We have a 3 year old son. My wife started drinking, we started fighting. She had an affair, filed for separation, then divorce.Now she's got the house, she's engaged to a guy 10 years younger than her. He moved in. She managed to get full custody based on false claims against me and the fact that she had an attorney and I did not. Besides, I live in a state that favors single mothers, not fathers. I pay my child support every month, am supposed by law to see my son two days a week. I also do not trust her live in boyfriend. I am paying child support on a minimum wage job so there's no money to spare for me and it really gets me that my money is going to her and her fiancee. What's worse is my ex is not complying with child support orders. They are a four hour drive from me. So she either leaves town before I get my son, claims he is sick, sends him to her parents. I have not sen him for two months and my wages are being garnished. I am beyond angry, don't have enough for the bills, don't see my kid and have lost faith in the legal system. Money talks, I have none. An ideas?
Signed,
Pi**ed Off
----------------------------------------------
Dear Pi**ed Off,
I get it completely. I would be equally pi**sed if I were in your shoes. If you have child support orders and you are paying your child support, the law mandates you be allowed to see your child according the court orders. I feel, regardless of name or state, the Departments of Heath and Human Services, or Child and Protective Services, often rule in favor of Mom simply because she is Mom. Often this is a very good decision.
Othertimes, it's not a good decision because Dad would be the better full-time parent and Mom still gets custody because Mom is a good actress or liar.
Some Moms can be as bad, or even, much worse, than Dads.
They get the child support, don't spend it on the children, then they don't you see your sons.
I will spare you my own angst on the subject (which reflects to yours) and cut to the chase here.
If I were you, I would pick myself up and walk myself into the nearest office of whatever agency your state has that deals with these matters.
Here in Washington State it is DSHS.
I would clean myself up, make myself look good, credible, I would control my emotions and put myself into a very calm, chillaxed headstate. Remember when anger enters the equation, logic is impossible.
I would write everything down on paper on a notepad that I plan to tell DSHS (or whatever agency manages custody and child suppport and custody in your state).
I would make copies (keep the originals) of all court papers and child support orders you have.
I would hand the papers in a file to the DSHS worker.
And give them everything I know or think they they need to know in writing including:
-name
-the child's names
-the addresses
-the name of the guy living with them
-social security numbers (i think you can give your family's not his, which you aren't allowed to legally get anyway)
-dates of birth
-and as much as you can about income.
I would present my case consiely, clearly, and kindly. The goal is to evoke compassion from the person you are speaking to. And to convince them you are rational, credible, and definitely won't be a long-winded pain in their ass.
If the person looks at your case and could care less, I'd say thank you, nicely.
Then I would go to another DSHs office. I'd keep office hopping until someone takes my case and has my back.
Trust me on this, there are more good, helpful government workers, than bad, out there. All they want is respect. Ask them how their day is. Thank them for their help. And if you do get a loose cannon, sep away and go to another location/office in your state and talk to a different person.
I would also call my state and local/country bar association for the free legal advice they often offer communities.
If I were in your shoes I'd scream from the pulpit, shout from the rooftops, contact the media, set up a Facebook page, demand my rights to be allowed to see my children.
Here's one thing I wouldn't recommend.
Anger.
Or overt acts of hostility.
Recently, in Seattle, the leader of a father's rights group walked into a the courthouse with an unarmed hand-genade to take a public stand against abuse of Father's rights. His was shot on the spot.
As Churchill said, "Never, Ever Give Up".
Just don't act Pi**ed Off. People who work for the government don't like to deal with angry people and appreciate calm collective people who won't take too much of their time. They also like being handed well-organized facts and notes.
You are paying child support yet being denied state mandated child visitation and youmake less than your wife, who's living with an unknown man who could have some kind of past offense or current warrant.
And even if he has no record, yet works and lives with her -- he's living off your child support.
And even though I know this sounds ridiculous, your ex's fiancee could be liable for child support under your state's law. His wages (if he has any) could be garnishable.
Were it me, facing your circumstances, I'd go for half or full custody.
Half's probably best.
It's what I did and it makes everyone less adversarial.
At the very least.... make a case, state it, and demand your right, legally, to see your son.
In my opinion, she doesn't have the legal right to keep him from you.
I'd go for more custody and also, more child support. I'd spend some time in the law library (free) and if I was flat broke... once educated, I'd become my own attorney and ignore others who call me a fool for being my own attorney because I couldn't afford one.
And most important, I'd turn the state child custody/ support agency into an ally instead of an enemy. Key to it all, is controlling the emotions. Keep your cool, gather the facts, documents, study the law and chances are good, the courts will help you reunite with your son.
Good Luck!
Your Private Eye
My wife and I divorced over a year ago. She's a spiteful, angry woman, from a spiteful, angry wealthy family and I'm a blue collar working class guy they never liked from day one. We have a 3 year old son. My wife started drinking, we started fighting. She had an affair, filed for separation, then divorce.Now she's got the house, she's engaged to a guy 10 years younger than her. He moved in. She managed to get full custody based on false claims against me and the fact that she had an attorney and I did not. Besides, I live in a state that favors single mothers, not fathers. I pay my child support every month, am supposed by law to see my son two days a week. I also do not trust her live in boyfriend. I am paying child support on a minimum wage job so there's no money to spare for me and it really gets me that my money is going to her and her fiancee. What's worse is my ex is not complying with child support orders. They are a four hour drive from me. So she either leaves town before I get my son, claims he is sick, sends him to her parents. I have not sen him for two months and my wages are being garnished. I am beyond angry, don't have enough for the bills, don't see my kid and have lost faith in the legal system. Money talks, I have none. An ideas?
Signed,
Pi**ed Off
----------------------------------------------
Dear Pi**ed Off,
I get it completely. I would be equally pi**sed if I were in your shoes. If you have child support orders and you are paying your child support, the law mandates you be allowed to see your child according the court orders. I feel, regardless of name or state, the Departments of Heath and Human Services, or Child and Protective Services, often rule in favor of Mom simply because she is Mom. Often this is a very good decision.
Othertimes, it's not a good decision because Dad would be the better full-time parent and Mom still gets custody because Mom is a good actress or liar.
Some Moms can be as bad, or even, much worse, than Dads.
They get the child support, don't spend it on the children, then they don't you see your sons.
I will spare you my own angst on the subject (which reflects to yours) and cut to the chase here.
If I were you, I would pick myself up and walk myself into the nearest office of whatever agency your state has that deals with these matters.
Here in Washington State it is DSHS.
I would clean myself up, make myself look good, credible, I would control my emotions and put myself into a very calm, chillaxed headstate. Remember when anger enters the equation, logic is impossible.
I would write everything down on paper on a notepad that I plan to tell DSHS (or whatever agency manages custody and child suppport and custody in your state).
I would make copies (keep the originals) of all court papers and child support orders you have.
I would hand the papers in a file to the DSHS worker.
And give them everything I know or think they they need to know in writing including:
-name
-the child's names
-the addresses
-the name of the guy living with them
-social security numbers (i think you can give your family's not his, which you aren't allowed to legally get anyway)
-dates of birth
-and as much as you can about income.
I would present my case consiely, clearly, and kindly. The goal is to evoke compassion from the person you are speaking to. And to convince them you are rational, credible, and definitely won't be a long-winded pain in their ass.
If the person looks at your case and could care less, I'd say thank you, nicely.
Then I would go to another DSHs office. I'd keep office hopping until someone takes my case and has my back.
Trust me on this, there are more good, helpful government workers, than bad, out there. All they want is respect. Ask them how their day is. Thank them for their help. And if you do get a loose cannon, sep away and go to another location/office in your state and talk to a different person.
I would also call my state and local/country bar association for the free legal advice they often offer communities.
If I were in your shoes I'd scream from the pulpit, shout from the rooftops, contact the media, set up a Facebook page, demand my rights to be allowed to see my children.
Here's one thing I wouldn't recommend.
Anger.
Or overt acts of hostility.
Recently, in Seattle, the leader of a father's rights group walked into a the courthouse with an unarmed hand-genade to take a public stand against abuse of Father's rights. His was shot on the spot.
As Churchill said, "Never, Ever Give Up".
Just don't act Pi**ed Off. People who work for the government don't like to deal with angry people and appreciate calm collective people who won't take too much of their time. They also like being handed well-organized facts and notes.
You are paying child support yet being denied state mandated child visitation and youmake less than your wife, who's living with an unknown man who could have some kind of past offense or current warrant.
And even if he has no record, yet works and lives with her -- he's living off your child support.
And even though I know this sounds ridiculous, your ex's fiancee could be liable for child support under your state's law. His wages (if he has any) could be garnishable.
Were it me, facing your circumstances, I'd go for half or full custody.
Half's probably best.
It's what I did and it makes everyone less adversarial.
At the very least.... make a case, state it, and demand your right, legally, to see your son.
In my opinion, she doesn't have the legal right to keep him from you.
I'd go for more custody and also, more child support. I'd spend some time in the law library (free) and if I was flat broke... once educated, I'd become my own attorney and ignore others who call me a fool for being my own attorney because I couldn't afford one.
And most important, I'd turn the state child custody/ support agency into an ally instead of an enemy. Key to it all, is controlling the emotions. Keep your cool, gather the facts, documents, study the law and chances are good, the courts will help you reunite with your son.
Good Luck!
Your Private Eye
Sunday, June 26, 2011
dearprivateeye@gmail.com - Re: Rapist Profile
Dear Private Eye:
I have been wanting to ask you this recently. I know you from Facebook. I was raped by a stranger and my question is "what kind of person would do this?" I have the counselors answer: an abused person who is obviously sick". but I think you could give me a good answer on this. I suppose you might need a few details to be able to answer.
Here is a summary of what happened:
A man came to my door at about 3 in the afternoon on a weekday Febuary 11, 1986. No one was home. I lived with my mom who was at work. He used a ruse that he was interested in our townhouse that was up for sale. I was just going back to college to finish my degree in Arlington, Texas. I had been getting hang-up calls in days prior to and when I pulled up to the house that day, he was passing the other way and stopped. So he was clearly watching me. My counselor established that. Okay, I went to shut the door on him but he was clever and talked his way for me to let him in, which I had a lot of guilt about later. He looked around then went upstairs with me following. He took out some handcuffs and I screamed. He said "no use screaming no one can hear you". He led me to my mom's room, then put handcuffs on me. He raped me and asked me to do a few things. During which time, he asked me if I were a virgin. Told me I was so good-looking. Said there is no love in the world. When it was over, he asked me to get in the bathtub where he pulled out one of those old-fashioned douche bottles and asked me to use it, saying "You didn't think I would get caught for this did you?" He combed his hair and looked presentable again, then said "you might as well not report it, no one will believe you?" I did report it but he was never caught.
Now since then, I have studied all sorts of crimes and am fascinated with FBI profiling. I got into counseling and have had 30 years of counseling over a bad family. So some good came out of it. I am just now getting to a place where I can even talk about it. What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail. I later, years later, thought I saw him again at a real estate job interview scam where they tell you it is a job interview but it is really trying to sell you something. He stared at me and then left as soon as it was over. But the fact that I was at the mercy of such a sicko was terrifying.
Can I get a criminal analysis of this guy. A professional opinion of what type of person he is. Can you tell anything from what I have told you? I want to know what I was dealing with beyond a counselor opinion or a book on the matter.
I appreciate your help so much.
"A Facebook Friend"
Dear Facebook Friend,
First, I can not thank you enough for both your trust and your letter. I have read it several times and thought about it for sometime before replying. First, I can not imagine how you survived the attack itself with your sanity in tact. Let alone the aftermath. And what really stops me in my tracks is the following line from your email.
"I am just now getting to a place where I can even talk about it. What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail. I later, years later, thought I saw him again at a real estate job interview scam where they tell you it is a job interview but it is really trying to sell you something. He stared at me and then left as soon as it was over. But the fact that I was at the mercy of such a sicko was terrifying."
I salute and honor your courage in reporting this after it happened.
I wonder if the police retained any evidence in a cold case box after all these years?
It is possible his specifics behavioral action are already in a Federal profiling database. Remember, BTK was found decades after his killings. Same thing with The Green River Killer.
You were clearly stalked before hand, he knew how to find you.
It took courage to come forward after such a private, violent and horrific experience.
In almost all rape cases, the rapists threatens the victim, and/or their family...
and convinces them there is no evidence.
reporting this was a strong, powerful and very good move.
I am just curious about a few things before I answer your question.
After the second encounter, I know one thought you might have, as a victim, he evidently recognized and stalked, you felt to to charge him now would be to put your own life in more danger. I am thinking you were thinking... even "Well, there's no DNA, no evidence if I accuse this guy he could do it again, or worse kill me."
Still, based on that meeting years later, I wonder if you/we could turn the tables on him. I tend to be very pitbull-like in nature. I hate the idea of this criminal still out there, meeting women at seminars, at open houses.
Do you have any identifying information one could get to the police/ FBI to check him out... in case he is still doing this to people? Their profiling databases are amazing. And I suspect you are just one of many women and he has done the same the pattern he followed with you, repeatedly. Since you didn't ask me for advice on what to do... and you have been in counseling.... and no doubt have been over this same terrain in your head for decades forgive me for adding this opinion here. I am of the ilk if there's a way we could find this guy and a third party could get involved to protect you while he is being investigated, we could bring him down.
That said, back to the point and what you want to know. You asked:
"my question is "what kind of person would do this? I have the counselors answer: an abused person who is obviously sick. but I think you could give me a good answer on this. "
My answer, and excuse my french, is WTF? Or better said, what the heck?
How would your counselor know the guy was an abused person?
How would your counselor know the guy is sick?
Doesn't sick imply something wrong with the body and mind, something beyond his control?
Aren't sick people, people who have physical or psychological maladies -- like cancer, or diabetes, or endo, spinal injuries... or psychosis, post traumatic stress, manic depression, anorexia, some addiction, sick?
How do we know he's not just doing this because he likes it? Gets off on it?
I have a close investigator friend who does profiling and I will email her this blog when I am done and see how she's answer your question.
My answer is this.
I think the guy may have been abused. Or maybe he grew up in the lap of luxury.
I think he may have had some issues with mom, or maybe he had the perfect family.
While it is a fact that many abused people abuse others, it is also a fact that many abused people go out of their way to not abuse others.
And many people never abused abused others.
So let's just toss the abuse excuse in the trash because we don't and can't have an answer to that unless we know this guy's name him, investigate him, dissect him psychologically.
I believe your counselor was wrong in saying he was abused because he or she does not know that for a fact.
I also believe your counselor saying he was sick was what he/she believed, however, I do not consider rape a sickness. I consider it an act of violence and power and violation.
And while I am not proud to admit it, I did a stint defending rapists when I worked as a criminal investigator the Public Defender's early in my career.
My rapist clients were a mix bag.
One was huge ugly dude who could never land a date and refused to pay for a hooker so he just took it.
Another was a man who claimed he was possessed (more like obsessed in my opinion). He said once he saw a girl, and liked her, she became a fixation in his head. Much the way many people, for example, fixate on food. Or finding a soul mate. This client fixated on raping women because it felt good.
I had one guy claim it was his wife to blame because she refused him.
Another guy claimed it's the only way he can make things "happen."
Ted and Bundy who raped and murdered, always chose a woman who looked like someone he loved who dumped him once. He also blamed his acts on the availability of pornography.
I would never dispute that some rapists were abused or raped themselves.
Nor would I disagree that some are also sick.
However, I do not think your couselor did you justice by writing it off with a pat answer based on no evidence. Obviously, you are still struggling with the question.
In my opinion, nature and nurture are the key elements to explore when it comes to motivating factors.
We know nothing of either when it comes to your attacker.
I think you profiled him spot-on in this one sentence you wrote,
"What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail."
What we know from this, then, is his demeanor appeared "sick" to you.
Was it like and illness sick or psycho sick?
Was the sick part a lack of compassion, empathy, his brutality?
He could have been a psychopath or sociopath. Or he could have been on drugs. Or he could have been 100% sane and wanted to act sick to throw you off.
When you said he was an "angry hateful man who is very organized and detail oriented." I think you hit another key profile point. Angry, hateful, organized. This was not an act of impulse. It has been done before and may still be done.
I honor the strength it took for you to write and send your email. I will protect your privacy. Let me know if you need a conduit for you to the authorities if ever you get a name, plate number, anything on this guy. If he's doing seminars, or just still out there doing this, there are women at risk. You know how to reach me several ways. Let me know if I can help further.
Thanks for your email,
Your Private Eye
P.S. There is a comment section below this post for others to add their opinions. Please add yours. It would be helpful to so many if this column were an open forum.
 |
| DearPrivateEye@gmail.com |
Here is a summary of what happened:
A man came to my door at about 3 in the afternoon on a weekday Febuary 11, 1986. No one was home. I lived with my mom who was at work. He used a ruse that he was interested in our townhouse that was up for sale. I was just going back to college to finish my degree in Arlington, Texas. I had been getting hang-up calls in days prior to and when I pulled up to the house that day, he was passing the other way and stopped. So he was clearly watching me. My counselor established that. Okay, I went to shut the door on him but he was clever and talked his way for me to let him in, which I had a lot of guilt about later. He looked around then went upstairs with me following. He took out some handcuffs and I screamed. He said "no use screaming no one can hear you". He led me to my mom's room, then put handcuffs on me. He raped me and asked me to do a few things. During which time, he asked me if I were a virgin. Told me I was so good-looking. Said there is no love in the world. When it was over, he asked me to get in the bathtub where he pulled out one of those old-fashioned douche bottles and asked me to use it, saying "You didn't think I would get caught for this did you?" He combed his hair and looked presentable again, then said "you might as well not report it, no one will believe you?" I did report it but he was never caught.
Now since then, I have studied all sorts of crimes and am fascinated with FBI profiling. I got into counseling and have had 30 years of counseling over a bad family. So some good came out of it. I am just now getting to a place where I can even talk about it. What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail. I later, years later, thought I saw him again at a real estate job interview scam where they tell you it is a job interview but it is really trying to sell you something. He stared at me and then left as soon as it was over. But the fact that I was at the mercy of such a sicko was terrifying.
Can I get a criminal analysis of this guy. A professional opinion of what type of person he is. Can you tell anything from what I have told you? I want to know what I was dealing with beyond a counselor opinion or a book on the matter.
I appreciate your help so much.
"A Facebook Friend"
Dear Facebook Friend,
First, I can not thank you enough for both your trust and your letter. I have read it several times and thought about it for sometime before replying. First, I can not imagine how you survived the attack itself with your sanity in tact. Let alone the aftermath. And what really stops me in my tracks is the following line from your email.
"I am just now getting to a place where I can even talk about it. What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail. I later, years later, thought I saw him again at a real estate job interview scam where they tell you it is a job interview but it is really trying to sell you something. He stared at me and then left as soon as it was over. But the fact that I was at the mercy of such a sicko was terrifying."
I salute and honor your courage in reporting this after it happened.
I wonder if the police retained any evidence in a cold case box after all these years?
It is possible his specifics behavioral action are already in a Federal profiling database. Remember, BTK was found decades after his killings. Same thing with The Green River Killer.
You were clearly stalked before hand, he knew how to find you.
It took courage to come forward after such a private, violent and horrific experience.
In almost all rape cases, the rapists threatens the victim, and/or their family...
and convinces them there is no evidence.
reporting this was a strong, powerful and very good move.
I am just curious about a few things before I answer your question.
After the second encounter, I know one thought you might have, as a victim, he evidently recognized and stalked, you felt to to charge him now would be to put your own life in more danger. I am thinking you were thinking... even "Well, there's no DNA, no evidence if I accuse this guy he could do it again, or worse kill me."
Still, based on that meeting years later, I wonder if you/we could turn the tables on him. I tend to be very pitbull-like in nature. I hate the idea of this criminal still out there, meeting women at seminars, at open houses.
Do you have any identifying information one could get to the police/ FBI to check him out... in case he is still doing this to people? Their profiling databases are amazing. And I suspect you are just one of many women and he has done the same the pattern he followed with you, repeatedly. Since you didn't ask me for advice on what to do... and you have been in counseling.... and no doubt have been over this same terrain in your head for decades forgive me for adding this opinion here. I am of the ilk if there's a way we could find this guy and a third party could get involved to protect you while he is being investigated, we could bring him down.
That said, back to the point and what you want to know. You asked:
"my question is "what kind of person would do this? I have the counselors answer: an abused person who is obviously sick. but I think you could give me a good answer on this. "
My answer, and excuse my french, is WTF? Or better said, what the heck?
How would your counselor know the guy was an abused person?
How would your counselor know the guy is sick?
Doesn't sick imply something wrong with the body and mind, something beyond his control?
Aren't sick people, people who have physical or psychological maladies -- like cancer, or diabetes, or endo, spinal injuries... or psychosis, post traumatic stress, manic depression, anorexia, some addiction, sick?
How do we know he's not just doing this because he likes it? Gets off on it?
I have a close investigator friend who does profiling and I will email her this blog when I am done and see how she's answer your question.
My answer is this.
I think the guy may have been abused. Or maybe he grew up in the lap of luxury.
I think he may have had some issues with mom, or maybe he had the perfect family.
While it is a fact that many abused people abuse others, it is also a fact that many abused people go out of their way to not abuse others.
And many people never abused abused others.
So let's just toss the abuse excuse in the trash because we don't and can't have an answer to that unless we know this guy's name him, investigate him, dissect him psychologically.
I believe your counselor was wrong in saying he was abused because he or she does not know that for a fact.
I also believe your counselor saying he was sick was what he/she believed, however, I do not consider rape a sickness. I consider it an act of violence and power and violation.
And while I am not proud to admit it, I did a stint defending rapists when I worked as a criminal investigator the Public Defender's early in my career.
My rapist clients were a mix bag.
One was huge ugly dude who could never land a date and refused to pay for a hooker so he just took it.
Another was a man who claimed he was possessed (more like obsessed in my opinion). He said once he saw a girl, and liked her, she became a fixation in his head. Much the way many people, for example, fixate on food. Or finding a soul mate. This client fixated on raping women because it felt good.
I had one guy claim it was his wife to blame because she refused him.
Another guy claimed it's the only way he can make things "happen."
Ted and Bundy who raped and murdered, always chose a woman who looked like someone he loved who dumped him once. He also blamed his acts on the availability of pornography.
I would never dispute that some rapists were abused or raped themselves.
Nor would I disagree that some are also sick.
However, I do not think your couselor did you justice by writing it off with a pat answer based on no evidence. Obviously, you are still struggling with the question.
In my opinion, nature and nurture are the key elements to explore when it comes to motivating factors.
We know nothing of either when it comes to your attacker.
I think you profiled him spot-on in this one sentence you wrote,
"What I noticed about him was the sick demeanor about him. How he was so full of hate and had really gone to a lot of trouble to plan this out in detail."
What we know from this, then, is his demeanor appeared "sick" to you.
Was it like and illness sick or psycho sick?
Was the sick part a lack of compassion, empathy, his brutality?
He could have been a psychopath or sociopath. Or he could have been on drugs. Or he could have been 100% sane and wanted to act sick to throw you off.
When you said he was an "angry hateful man who is very organized and detail oriented." I think you hit another key profile point. Angry, hateful, organized. This was not an act of impulse. It has been done before and may still be done.
I honor the strength it took for you to write and send your email. I will protect your privacy. Let me know if you need a conduit for you to the authorities if ever you get a name, plate number, anything on this guy. If he's doing seminars, or just still out there doing this, there are women at risk. You know how to reach me several ways. Let me know if I can help further.
Thanks for your email,
Your Private Eye
P.S. There is a comment section below this post for others to add their opinions. Please add yours. It would be helpful to so many if this column were an open forum.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
dearprivateeye@gmail.com - Drunk Daddy
Dear Private Eye:
I am living with a man who has turned verbally and emotionally abusive. We've been married 6 years. We have 2 children, 2 and 4 years of age. I have no family in this area, my mother is on the other coast. We were transferred here for my husband's job. I read your blog, I do not know who else to ask because I"m afraid to tell anyone what is going on.
My husband is my problem. He used to be a great guy. Not anymore. He has changed into someone else. He is a horrible man, but not that bad because he has never hit me. He is sarcastic all the time and his jokes are mean. I try to laugh but I am secretly hurt. Lately he has been yelling and being more mean. He slams doors when he is mad. He is mad at me all the time for things like not having dinner ready, or having it too overcooked, when he comes home. But I never know when he is coming home which confuses me. He gets mad when I do not pick up after the kids. It gets worse when he drinks and that is why I am writing to you.
He really is good man deep inside. He used to be fun, kind, loving. He paid all our bills until recently. He was nice to me in public but we don't go out anymore.
When I got pregnant after many years of trying, he said to it was better for me (and I agreed) to be the one who worked. I used to be an in-home caretaker for seniors citizens. We agreed I would stay home and take care of the children. I loved that.
Then two months ago, he comes home and says he got laid off his job because the company was losing money and every time I ask him to file for unemployment he won't. He just yells at me or leaves the house and comes home drunk. He either turns on the tv, sleeps on the sofa or comes in yelling, which wakes the children up. He calls me vile names, yells and turns red with rage and claims to remember nothing the next day.
Last night he did not come home at all. It wasn't until this morning he called me from jail and said he was arrested from drunk driving at 2:00 am last night! I went to the bank to get bail and found out there is almost no money left in our bank account! If I bail him out, how will we pay the mortgage on our house? We are already behind on that and he never told me. I let him pay the bills.
Now I am wondering if maybe he was fired for his drinking and that is why he can't get unemployment? Besides that, I am unemployed, with two small children and living with a drunk.
I need help. What do I do?
"Scared"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Scared,
Wow, you are in the thick of it. You have a husband who appears to be a black-out drunk, meaning he drinks and goes into a "black-out" state where he forgets everything he does under the influence. Know this: once the alcohol enters his system, the man you first loved is no longer there. Alcohol is a depressant disguised as a social lubricant. It is also addictive. Lives, bodies, marriages self destruct over the years under the influence of alcohol. The alcohol is driving your husband's brain and body and the fact that he was arrested for drunk driving is bigger than a red flag. Once he downs a drink, then two, it's is as though he strapped on a suicide vest... sooner or later his drinking or drunk driving could kill a stranger, you, or his children. Not to mention what appears to be his increasing rage and lies about money.
There is a big picture here, "Scared". The children. Their survival...and yours. Whether or not you agree with me, I suspect they are terrified and in danger when they see Daddy acting like this. They must never be allowed in the car when daddy is driving, because blackout drunks can appear sober and be many times over the legal limit. They must not be exposed to his alcohol use or booze fueled rages. They must be protected.
I am not a therapist. You need one. You also need to get your husband away from you and your kids. Under the current economic environment, it is quite possible you are "upside down" or your mortgage and your home could be in or go into foreclosure. It is time to baton down the hatches.
Were it me, I would not bail the husband out. I would clean out the bank account and use the money for two things, to file a separation... and to find a safe place to go with your two kids and keep them fed. You mentioned your mother lives across the country. Could you go there? Do you have a friend who might take you in?
If not, a woman's shelter, safe house, domestic abuse hotline may help you find a pathway out if no one can take in you and your children. It is when you are at a safe distance from your husband, you can lay out your demands for his return.
If you refuse or choose not to leave your home, I would still file for separation, contact the police and get a Restraining Order to show your husband you mean business. It doesn't matter to me whether someone yells, screams, or hits. It's all abuse. And just as it is disturbing to you, it is traumatizing your children.
Just know, if your husband drinks, walks in the house again, starts his screaming thing and a neighbor has had enough, Child Protective Service will be called and may take your kids away from both of you. Just because you are not the screamer does not make you innocent.
If you do not protect the children from his rages, you are co-dependent and no help to them. We don't want you to lose your children.... you sound like a loving, caring, mama. However with a loose cannon in your house, it is too dangerous for the kids to be there when the cannon fires.
Some times life deals us a bad hand. Sounds like you've got one. However, you can find a way out of this, you must, especially for your kids. By showing them you can stand up to and defeat a bully, even if he is their dad, you are modeling for them, in case they hit the same situation themselves later in life.
All this will come down one thing- whether your husband really is a good man who wants and will accept help; who will do everything to change, save your marriage and family.
If the alcohol, the job layoff, have seriously messed with his head.... then the waters ahead can and will likely be dangerous for you.
I know others may disagreee with me, this is the path I would take.
Remove him from the equation, get back on your feet and get back to work so you can be financially independent. Whatever you do, do not drink, use drugs (prescription or otherwise.) You must have a clear head to deal with all this. Get a spiral notebook at the dollar store, use it to log what goes down every day, every person you talk to, every number or instruction you get. Be your own advocate and the advocate for your children. And whatever you do, do not hesitate to call 911 when he next poses a threat to you, the kids, or others, by getting in a car drunk.
Bottom line, I'd let your guy stew in jail in his own alcoholic juices. I would take his bail money and spend on a safe place to take my kids, to make my escape. Meantime he'll live through the consequences of his actions. No income, no unemployment... he sounds like an alcoholic, blackout drunk. You got a loser who needs help. Step away from him and force him to step it up.
Do not despair. There is always hope. Many good people have made it back from very hard, dark places. It's not about being knocked down, it's about getting up. Perhaps he can get up, step it up and get through this. However, today.... right now... you need to make a big change in your life to make a difference. Step away from the man and be strong, for the sake of your sanity and your kids.
Sincerely,
Your Private Eye
I am living with a man who has turned verbally and emotionally abusive. We've been married 6 years. We have 2 children, 2 and 4 years of age. I have no family in this area, my mother is on the other coast. We were transferred here for my husband's job. I read your blog, I do not know who else to ask because I"m afraid to tell anyone what is going on.
My husband is my problem. He used to be a great guy. Not anymore. He has changed into someone else. He is a horrible man, but not that bad because he has never hit me. He is sarcastic all the time and his jokes are mean. I try to laugh but I am secretly hurt. Lately he has been yelling and being more mean. He slams doors when he is mad. He is mad at me all the time for things like not having dinner ready, or having it too overcooked, when he comes home. But I never know when he is coming home which confuses me. He gets mad when I do not pick up after the kids. It gets worse when he drinks and that is why I am writing to you.
He really is good man deep inside. He used to be fun, kind, loving. He paid all our bills until recently. He was nice to me in public but we don't go out anymore.
When I got pregnant after many years of trying, he said to it was better for me (and I agreed) to be the one who worked. I used to be an in-home caretaker for seniors citizens. We agreed I would stay home and take care of the children. I loved that.
Then two months ago, he comes home and says he got laid off his job because the company was losing money and every time I ask him to file for unemployment he won't. He just yells at me or leaves the house and comes home drunk. He either turns on the tv, sleeps on the sofa or comes in yelling, which wakes the children up. He calls me vile names, yells and turns red with rage and claims to remember nothing the next day.
Last night he did not come home at all. It wasn't until this morning he called me from jail and said he was arrested from drunk driving at 2:00 am last night! I went to the bank to get bail and found out there is almost no money left in our bank account! If I bail him out, how will we pay the mortgage on our house? We are already behind on that and he never told me. I let him pay the bills.
Now I am wondering if maybe he was fired for his drinking and that is why he can't get unemployment? Besides that, I am unemployed, with two small children and living with a drunk.
I need help. What do I do?
"Scared"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Scared,
Wow, you are in the thick of it. You have a husband who appears to be a black-out drunk, meaning he drinks and goes into a "black-out" state where he forgets everything he does under the influence. Know this: once the alcohol enters his system, the man you first loved is no longer there. Alcohol is a depressant disguised as a social lubricant. It is also addictive. Lives, bodies, marriages self destruct over the years under the influence of alcohol. The alcohol is driving your husband's brain and body and the fact that he was arrested for drunk driving is bigger than a red flag. Once he downs a drink, then two, it's is as though he strapped on a suicide vest... sooner or later his drinking or drunk driving could kill a stranger, you, or his children. Not to mention what appears to be his increasing rage and lies about money.
There is a big picture here, "Scared". The children. Their survival...and yours. Whether or not you agree with me, I suspect they are terrified and in danger when they see Daddy acting like this. They must never be allowed in the car when daddy is driving, because blackout drunks can appear sober and be many times over the legal limit. They must not be exposed to his alcohol use or booze fueled rages. They must be protected.
I am not a therapist. You need one. You also need to get your husband away from you and your kids. Under the current economic environment, it is quite possible you are "upside down" or your mortgage and your home could be in or go into foreclosure. It is time to baton down the hatches.
Were it me, I would not bail the husband out. I would clean out the bank account and use the money for two things, to file a separation... and to find a safe place to go with your two kids and keep them fed. You mentioned your mother lives across the country. Could you go there? Do you have a friend who might take you in?
If not, a woman's shelter, safe house, domestic abuse hotline may help you find a pathway out if no one can take in you and your children. It is when you are at a safe distance from your husband, you can lay out your demands for his return.
If you refuse or choose not to leave your home, I would still file for separation, contact the police and get a Restraining Order to show your husband you mean business. It doesn't matter to me whether someone yells, screams, or hits. It's all abuse. And just as it is disturbing to you, it is traumatizing your children.
Just know, if your husband drinks, walks in the house again, starts his screaming thing and a neighbor has had enough, Child Protective Service will be called and may take your kids away from both of you. Just because you are not the screamer does not make you innocent.
If you do not protect the children from his rages, you are co-dependent and no help to them. We don't want you to lose your children.... you sound like a loving, caring, mama. However with a loose cannon in your house, it is too dangerous for the kids to be there when the cannon fires.
Some times life deals us a bad hand. Sounds like you've got one. However, you can find a way out of this, you must, especially for your kids. By showing them you can stand up to and defeat a bully, even if he is their dad, you are modeling for them, in case they hit the same situation themselves later in life.
All this will come down one thing- whether your husband really is a good man who wants and will accept help; who will do everything to change, save your marriage and family.
If the alcohol, the job layoff, have seriously messed with his head.... then the waters ahead can and will likely be dangerous for you.
I know others may disagreee with me, this is the path I would take.
Remove him from the equation, get back on your feet and get back to work so you can be financially independent. Whatever you do, do not drink, use drugs (prescription or otherwise.) You must have a clear head to deal with all this. Get a spiral notebook at the dollar store, use it to log what goes down every day, every person you talk to, every number or instruction you get. Be your own advocate and the advocate for your children. And whatever you do, do not hesitate to call 911 when he next poses a threat to you, the kids, or others, by getting in a car drunk.
Bottom line, I'd let your guy stew in jail in his own alcoholic juices. I would take his bail money and spend on a safe place to take my kids, to make my escape. Meantime he'll live through the consequences of his actions. No income, no unemployment... he sounds like an alcoholic, blackout drunk. You got a loser who needs help. Step away from him and force him to step it up.
Do not despair. There is always hope. Many good people have made it back from very hard, dark places. It's not about being knocked down, it's about getting up. Perhaps he can get up, step it up and get through this. However, today.... right now... you need to make a big change in your life to make a difference. Step away from the man and be strong, for the sake of your sanity and your kids.
Sincerely,
Your Private Eye
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
dearprivateye@gmail.com.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Private Eye:
In the prisons inmates have tried to file suit of stalking for officers performing within their job duties. Are investigators challenged in their careers as well for stalking? What gives anyone the right to hire someone to follow someone, take pictures, and run surveillance especially with all the weirdos out there. How does the investigator know they aren't working with some psychopath who is just collecting information that allows them to stalk someone?
Signed, Curious...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Curious:
That's a big question in a short paragraph, Curious.
I think it is beyond ludicrous that inmates are attempting to file suit re: officers they feel are stalking them when the officers are simply doing their job. Watching the prisoners is the job description!
Then again, there's not much to do in prison... and idle prisoners lead to idle lawsuits.
One could presume, as in the fine fictional flick "Green Mile," there are plenty of power-tripping prisons guards with a few screws loose. That's the case in all professions everywhere. Show me a business environment and I'll show you a loose cannon not too far from the water cooler.
However, when one is merely performing their duties, which involves working in a hostile, threatening dangerous environment with some very angry, resentful and venegful people...
some who are out of their minds....
the prison officer's job must be surveillance.
They are watching these inmates for their safety and ours.
It could be deadly for a prison guard not to watch his or her back.... and their co-workers... and the inmates who they often have to protect from other inmates.
I wonder if a case like this has ever come to trial and how the judge or jury ruled?
RE: PI's and stalking. I know one PI who actually was a stalker. Just because you are a PI doesn't mean you are licensed, ethical or obey the law. There are a lot of wanna-be's posing as PI's... scammers... who are ripping people off.
When people hire me for surveillance, or for tracking someone down, the first thing I do is measure the psycho/wierdo/quotient. I'd say about 1/4 of all my potential cases come from people who are a few beers shy of a six pack. Either they want revenge, want to talk to a PI, or are out of their mind. I'm good at eliminating these folks right out of the gate. Call it a finely honed instinct based on a lifetime of experience.
When I am convinced the person may have a viable case, I ask a list of questions that is more like an interview or interrogation. I need to know everything. Particularly if there are any restraining orders against the person who wants to hire me. I need to know every "who. what, where, when and why" before I take on the case. Who is this person to you? What do you intend to do with the info? Where did you find me, where did you come from, where did you meet this person? Everything applicable. And most important... Why? Why do you need me to find or follow this person? For every "why" that is first elicited, there is another "why" below the surface. And if the Why...or How... is not legally permissible, I don't do it.
To protect myself, I find out everything I can about a potential client before I take on their case.
When I feel so inclined, I run their background and let them know I will.
There have been too many cases of PI's finding people who are later killed by the clients who hired them.
I will never go there.
There are lines in the sand a PI can not legally cross.
If I am seen by a subject i am following on a surveillance, then I am "burned", which mean I exit the area and do not return to the job unless I'm in a different vehicle looking like a different person.
If I am worried a concerned neighbor might see me and report me as a stalker when I am in a visible vehicle on surveillance, I sometimes call the local police to let them know I am or will be there and working on a case.
I'd rather lose a case than cause someone to lose their life, their sense of security, privacy or violate the legal perameters of the law and lose my license.
I think it comes down to a gut feeling really. You're in this buisness long enough and you can see a flake coming from a mile away.
Thanks for your email Curious. Hope this helps!
Your Private Eye
dearprivateeye@gmail.com
Dear Private Eye:
In the prisons inmates have tried to file suit of stalking for officers performing within their job duties. Are investigators challenged in their careers as well for stalking? What gives anyone the right to hire someone to follow someone, take pictures, and run surveillance especially with all the weirdos out there. How does the investigator know they aren't working with some psychopath who is just collecting information that allows them to stalk someone?
Signed, Curious...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Curious:
That's a big question in a short paragraph, Curious.
I think it is beyond ludicrous that inmates are attempting to file suit re: officers they feel are stalking them when the officers are simply doing their job. Watching the prisoners is the job description!
Then again, there's not much to do in prison... and idle prisoners lead to idle lawsuits.
One could presume, as in the fine fictional flick "Green Mile," there are plenty of power-tripping prisons guards with a few screws loose. That's the case in all professions everywhere. Show me a business environment and I'll show you a loose cannon not too far from the water cooler.
However, when one is merely performing their duties, which involves working in a hostile, threatening dangerous environment with some very angry, resentful and venegful people...
some who are out of their minds....
the prison officer's job must be surveillance.
They are watching these inmates for their safety and ours.
It could be deadly for a prison guard not to watch his or her back.... and their co-workers... and the inmates who they often have to protect from other inmates.
I wonder if a case like this has ever come to trial and how the judge or jury ruled?
RE: PI's and stalking. I know one PI who actually was a stalker. Just because you are a PI doesn't mean you are licensed, ethical or obey the law. There are a lot of wanna-be's posing as PI's... scammers... who are ripping people off.
When people hire me for surveillance, or for tracking someone down, the first thing I do is measure the psycho/wierdo/quotient. I'd say about 1/4 of all my potential cases come from people who are a few beers shy of a six pack. Either they want revenge, want to talk to a PI, or are out of their mind. I'm good at eliminating these folks right out of the gate. Call it a finely honed instinct based on a lifetime of experience.
When I am convinced the person may have a viable case, I ask a list of questions that is more like an interview or interrogation. I need to know everything. Particularly if there are any restraining orders against the person who wants to hire me. I need to know every "who. what, where, when and why" before I take on the case. Who is this person to you? What do you intend to do with the info? Where did you find me, where did you come from, where did you meet this person? Everything applicable. And most important... Why? Why do you need me to find or follow this person? For every "why" that is first elicited, there is another "why" below the surface. And if the Why...or How... is not legally permissible, I don't do it.
To protect myself, I find out everything I can about a potential client before I take on their case.
When I feel so inclined, I run their background and let them know I will.
There have been too many cases of PI's finding people who are later killed by the clients who hired them.
I will never go there.
There are lines in the sand a PI can not legally cross.
If I am seen by a subject i am following on a surveillance, then I am "burned", which mean I exit the area and do not return to the job unless I'm in a different vehicle looking like a different person.
If I am worried a concerned neighbor might see me and report me as a stalker when I am in a visible vehicle on surveillance, I sometimes call the local police to let them know I am or will be there and working on a case.
I'd rather lose a case than cause someone to lose their life, their sense of security, privacy or violate the legal perameters of the law and lose my license.
I think it comes down to a gut feeling really. You're in this buisness long enough and you can see a flake coming from a mile away.
Thanks for your email Curious. Hope this helps!
Your Private Eye
dearprivateeye@gmail.com
Monday, June 20, 2011
First Email to "Dear Private Eye" from "Woman Scorned"
My very first Dear Private Eye email arrived. So here we go!
Please keep the emails coming, I'll keep the blog going while I write my book.
I promise to protect your privacy and I so appreciate your trust in helping me launch this concept.
Thank you, "Woman Scorned."
Dear Private Eye:
I am in the middle of an a divorce. I discovered my husband has been having an affair with a secretary who has worked for him for at least a year.
I wonder if there is any way I might access this woman's bank account to find out whether he has been giving her money or buying her gifts? I think it no coincidence, my husband just changed the password on line to his business account.
I have not been able to access that account on line since I confronted him about the affair and I filed for divorce. I believe once I study the records, they will show a transfer of funds. I am seeing nothing usual in our personal joint account.
I know her name and address and I do not know her bank.
Is there any way to find this information out? Thank you for any assistance you can provide.
Sincerely yours,
Woman Scorned
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Woman Scorned:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry I can not help you here.
Bank account information is protected by federal privacy laws among other things.
So you would be violating the law by even attempting to access this woman's private banking info.
And if even if you did find out he has been transferring money to her, not only would your husband's attorney go for the jugular on your violation of her rights, you could end up in with a whole lot more legal trouble than you have now.
Were or are you a co-signer on your soon-to-ex husband's business accounts? If so, perhaps you can find print-outs in a file cabinet if he still receives paper statements. Or perhaps you could discuss this with your divorce attorney and these records could be accessed via subpeona?
If he spent your collective money on her, fraud could be a viable consideration in the final divorce settlement.
There are forensic accountants who can be quite helpful in such circumstances. You must measure (and discuss with your attorney) whether an investment in such an expert would be worthwhile.
I wish you stability and sanity during this trying time. Divorce is no fun for anyone.
Sincerely,
Your Private Eye
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Write me at dearprivateeye@gmail.com
Please keep the emails coming, I'll keep the blog going while I write my book.
I promise to protect your privacy and I so appreciate your trust in helping me launch this concept.
Thank you, "Woman Scorned."
Dear Private Eye:
I am in the middle of an a divorce. I discovered my husband has been having an affair with a secretary who has worked for him for at least a year.
I wonder if there is any way I might access this woman's bank account to find out whether he has been giving her money or buying her gifts? I think it no coincidence, my husband just changed the password on line to his business account.
I have not been able to access that account on line since I confronted him about the affair and I filed for divorce. I believe once I study the records, they will show a transfer of funds. I am seeing nothing usual in our personal joint account.
I know her name and address and I do not know her bank.
Is there any way to find this information out? Thank you for any assistance you can provide.
Sincerely yours,
Woman Scorned
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Woman Scorned:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry I can not help you here.
Bank account information is protected by federal privacy laws among other things.
So you would be violating the law by even attempting to access this woman's private banking info.
And if even if you did find out he has been transferring money to her, not only would your husband's attorney go for the jugular on your violation of her rights, you could end up in with a whole lot more legal trouble than you have now.
Were or are you a co-signer on your soon-to-ex husband's business accounts? If so, perhaps you can find print-outs in a file cabinet if he still receives paper statements. Or perhaps you could discuss this with your divorce attorney and these records could be accessed via subpeona?
If he spent your collective money on her, fraud could be a viable consideration in the final divorce settlement.
There are forensic accountants who can be quite helpful in such circumstances. You must measure (and discuss with your attorney) whether an investment in such an expert would be worthwhile.
I wish you stability and sanity during this trying time. Divorce is no fun for anyone.
Sincerely,
Your Private Eye
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Write me at dearprivateeye@gmail.com
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Introducing "Dear Private Eye": New Direction, Free Advice, Calling All Emails
Write me here: dearprivateeye@gmail.com
I'm writing a book now about Private Investigation. And I've been advised by those schooled in both electronic media and publishing, that it's best keep this blog going while I write the book.
I'm writing a book now about Private Investigation. And I've been advised by those schooled in both electronic media and publishing, that it's best keep this blog going while I write the book.
That can be challenging, because I tend to write long blogs when I get started. I also work anywhere from 8-14 hour days as a P.I. So finding the time to write a book, blog, work and have a life is going to be a challenge over the next few months.
For that reason I'm taking this blog in a new direction, one I've been asked to travel for a long time.
It's called "Dear Private Eye." Think of it like an advice column, a "Dear Abby" of Private Investigation".
Here's how it works:
For that reason I'm taking this blog in a new direction, one I've been asked to travel for a long time.
It's called "Dear Private Eye." Think of it like an advice column, a "Dear Abby" of Private Investigation".
Here's how it works:
Send me an email with a question or case you need advice on. It could be a generic, broad-based question about the PI business, a case or personal matter. The advice is free -- with one caveat.
Every answer I provide is just my opinion, one of many out there.... and in no way is "Dear Private Eye" a substitute for professional, legal advice.
Every answer I provide is just my opinion, one of many out there.... and in no way is "Dear Private Eye" a substitute for professional, legal advice.
Please check any reply I give with an attorney, therapist, another PI, a close friend, someone else... before you act on it. It's always best to seek multiple opinions before you reach a big life decision. You will have complete anonymity.
I'll respect your privacy and once I post your email here, I'll delete it from my inbox.
Just like good ole' Ann Landers, or Dear Abby, I have no interest in searching out who you are.
My job is to protect your privacy. And my interest is only in helping others -- by offering free opinions based on a complex, full life... and a long history of crisis management as a Private Investigator.
The economy is tanking, people are losing their homes, families are at odds and splitting up, riots are breaking out everywhere, predators are running rampant and people can't always afford to pay for the help they need.
Mine, on this blog is free.
This idea will allow the blog to keep running while I'm writing the book.
And I want "Dear Private Eye" to bring someone...or many.... help, hope, direction.
I need your help to make this work, so please think up a question I can answer to help you and email away to dearprivateeye@gmail.com.
I'll leave this post up...along with today's blog, Dr Kauffman's retraction to the Dr Laura letter (see below) for a little while to start gathering emails. I've also been advised to include an original blog
I'll respect your privacy and once I post your email here, I'll delete it from my inbox.
Just like good ole' Ann Landers, or Dear Abby, I have no interest in searching out who you are.
My job is to protect your privacy. And my interest is only in helping others -- by offering free opinions based on a complex, full life... and a long history of crisis management as a Private Investigator.
The economy is tanking, people are losing their homes, families are at odds and splitting up, riots are breaking out everywhere, predators are running rampant and people can't always afford to pay for the help they need.
Mine, on this blog is free.
This idea will allow the blog to keep running while I'm writing the book.
And I want "Dear Private Eye" to bring someone...or many.... help, hope, direction.
I need your help to make this work, so please think up a question I can answer to help you and email away to dearprivateeye@gmail.com.
I'll leave this post up...along with today's blog, Dr Kauffman's retraction to the Dr Laura letter (see below) for a little while to start gathering emails. I've also been advised to include an original blog
once a week and plan to do that.
So if you find your way here, please support your local blogger with email questions... and keep coming back.
Looking forward to hearing from you... only time will tell how this plays out.
Looking forward to hearing from you... only time will tell how this plays out.
RE: Letter to Dr. Laura
Turns out the "Letter To Dr Laura" a few posts down, was not written by Dr Kauffman. Many thanks to Dennis Mahon who pointed out this fact in the comments section of the post. You'll find the original letter a few posts down. Here's Dr Kauffman's fascinating response, also sent by Dennis who found the story on Snopes, Just in case the Dr.'s links aren't live, here's a link to Dr. Kauffman's letter.
http://drlauraletter.com/
I, James M. Kauffman,
This page provides access to the story of correspondence I've received regarding a letter written to Dr. Laura Schlessinger by someone unknown to me (and, as far as I know, to anyone else). I include in the story my commentary on the communications I've received and other issues. Although I did not write it, the "open letter to Dr. Laura" circulated on Internet over my signature without my consent.
http://drlauraletter.com/
I, James M. Kauffman,
Did Not Write the Open Letter to Dr. Laura
| To learn more about the widely distributed "Dr. Laura Letter," please read the Urban Legend Reference Page on the Snopes site. |
- Preface and Contents
- Chapter 1: Fame Without Fortune
- Chapter 2: Love and Hate
- Chapter 3: Scripture
- Chapter 4: People
- Chapter 5: Gullible and Skeptical
Please feel free to peruse my curriculum vita to learn about what I actually have written.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
That Sinking Feeling
I feel I have to watch and wait, while a friend sinks.
This is the same friend I have witnessed crash and burn time after time.
While this friend, Cary (a pseudonym) has always been a survivor...
I know this time, is different.
It is not comfortable for me to sit on the sidelines knowing there are tiny holes in Cary's boat and once those holes fill with water, Cary will go down with the ship.
I have warned Cary.
I called Cary.
Indeed, I have spoken to Cary many times, the last conversation ended up rather heated, with Cary hanging up on me.
Then I wrote Cary.
Cary did not reply.
I called Cary again.
Cary did not pick up.
I stopped trying because I realize now....
on those rare occasions when Cary did appear to listen, Cary wasn't really listening or hearing.
Cary just turned a deaf eye and a blind eye in my direction, giving me a complacent nod...
because Cary is an addict.
I will not tell you what Cary is addicted to.
Nor will I tell you whether Cary is a man or a woman.
And I can not tell you how long I have known Cary, where Cary lives, or what Cary does.
Let's just say I have known Cary for a long enough time to know Cary repeated and repeats this same pattern, day after day, month after month, year after year.
Repeating the same pattern over and over again... and expecting a different result.... is one definition of insanity.
I'd say that is the case here. Only on the outside.... Cary does not appear insane.
Cary indulges in the addiction... the addiction takes hold... the part of the brain that might normally say stop, says go...
and it is no longer the person talking....it is the addict.
Everyone falls by the wayside, family, friends while the addiction burrows in like a tapeworm.
Cary could be using street drugs, prescription drugs, whiffing, snorting, shooting up.
Cary could be in love with a dangerous, destructive person.
Cary could be a compulsive gambler, cheater.
Cary could be eating way too much or not eating all all.
I think many of us have people like Cary in our lives.
We have sent up red flags, put out huge warning signs, have screamed "fire," yet nothing works.
Then comes the time to let that person go.
And that's the hardest thing for this friend...
and P.I. to do now.
I woke up this morning with two things on my my mind.
Cary. And this blog.
I need to change the blog while I write a book.
That will begin tomorrow.
Today, however, I wanted to try.... one last time.... to save Cary.
One... last... time.
Cary's boat is leaving the dock and Cary is heading to an area like Cape Horn.
Not many ships make it safely around Cape Horn... let alone a boat with holes and a delusional Captain at the wheel.
Yet because Cary has survived a lifetime of stormy waters, Cary believes it's smooth sailing ahead.
I, and others who know, care for, or love Cary, believe a safe harbor at the end of this crossing is not possible.
Only those with a steady, wise, unbiased, well-schooled hand at the helm and objective eyes on the seas, can make it through a Cape Horn.
Cary is heading towards the most treacherous of seas....
lost in the hormones... or the drugs.... or the food...the addiction... the desire... the want...
whatever it is that causes all the people like Cary to substitute emotion for logic.
Cary's only companion on this final journey is no friend.
The companion is an addiction desperate to be fed.
And when the mask comes off and Cary discovers a demon in the boat, Cary will be devoured, if the boat doesn't sink first.
Cary is clueless.
Consumed by desire, lust, whatever....
Cary made the decision to proceed on the same course safely traveled so many times in the past years. No lessons were learned from the bumps and bruises along prior journeys.
Cary simply does not or refuses to see the earth has shifted on its axis.
The object of Cary's desire rules, not Cary.
So despite the warning signs... the past patterns.....the pleas from loved ones, Cary now sees as adversaries....
despite the storms ahead...the holes in the boat... Cary proceeds on what I believe is a route to self-destruction.
And as much as I thought maybe I could do or say one last thing this morning to save Cary, I know all efforts are futile and I must let Cary go.
If Cary had threatened suicide, or even suggested bringing harm to self or others -- I could call in the troops.
However Cary is doing what Cary always does.
The troops are tired, skeptical and cynical.
And Cary is so determined, there is nothing for me to do but watch from the dock as the Cary's boat heads to sea...even though it is not seaworthy.
I will watch until it becomes a tiny speck on the horizon.
Then I will have a funeral in my head and bid Cary goodbye because I do not believe it is possible for Cary to make it back this time.
And unless Cary gets to this blog (doubtful), or has an epiphany (equally doubtful) before embarking...
unless Cary decides things are getting rough and notices the leaks in the boat and changes course...
Cary is going down with the ship.
And so with this last sentence I let Cary go.
It's time for me to get back on course.
This is the same friend I have witnessed crash and burn time after time.
While this friend, Cary (a pseudonym) has always been a survivor...
I know this time, is different.
It is not comfortable for me to sit on the sidelines knowing there are tiny holes in Cary's boat and once those holes fill with water, Cary will go down with the ship.
I have warned Cary.
I called Cary.
Indeed, I have spoken to Cary many times, the last conversation ended up rather heated, with Cary hanging up on me.
Then I wrote Cary.
Cary did not reply.
I called Cary again.
Cary did not pick up.
I stopped trying because I realize now....
on those rare occasions when Cary did appear to listen, Cary wasn't really listening or hearing.
Cary just turned a deaf eye and a blind eye in my direction, giving me a complacent nod...
because Cary is an addict.
I will not tell you what Cary is addicted to.
Nor will I tell you whether Cary is a man or a woman.
And I can not tell you how long I have known Cary, where Cary lives, or what Cary does.
Let's just say I have known Cary for a long enough time to know Cary repeated and repeats this same pattern, day after day, month after month, year after year.
Repeating the same pattern over and over again... and expecting a different result.... is one definition of insanity.
I'd say that is the case here. Only on the outside.... Cary does not appear insane.
Cary indulges in the addiction... the addiction takes hold... the part of the brain that might normally say stop, says go...
and it is no longer the person talking....it is the addict.
Everyone falls by the wayside, family, friends while the addiction burrows in like a tapeworm.
Cary could be using street drugs, prescription drugs, whiffing, snorting, shooting up.
Cary could be in love with a dangerous, destructive person.
Cary could be a compulsive gambler, cheater.
Cary could be eating way too much or not eating all all.
I think many of us have people like Cary in our lives.
We have sent up red flags, put out huge warning signs, have screamed "fire," yet nothing works.
Then comes the time to let that person go.
And that's the hardest thing for this friend...
and P.I. to do now.
I woke up this morning with two things on my my mind.
Cary. And this blog.
I need to change the blog while I write a book.
That will begin tomorrow.
Today, however, I wanted to try.... one last time.... to save Cary.
One... last... time.
Cary's boat is leaving the dock and Cary is heading to an area like Cape Horn.
Not many ships make it safely around Cape Horn... let alone a boat with holes and a delusional Captain at the wheel.
Yet because Cary has survived a lifetime of stormy waters, Cary believes it's smooth sailing ahead.
I, and others who know, care for, or love Cary, believe a safe harbor at the end of this crossing is not possible.
Only those with a steady, wise, unbiased, well-schooled hand at the helm and objective eyes on the seas, can make it through a Cape Horn.
Cary is heading towards the most treacherous of seas....
lost in the hormones... or the drugs.... or the food...the addiction... the desire... the want...
whatever it is that causes all the people like Cary to substitute emotion for logic.
Cary's only companion on this final journey is no friend.
The companion is an addiction desperate to be fed.
And when the mask comes off and Cary discovers a demon in the boat, Cary will be devoured, if the boat doesn't sink first.
Cary is clueless.
Consumed by desire, lust, whatever....
Cary made the decision to proceed on the same course safely traveled so many times in the past years. No lessons were learned from the bumps and bruises along prior journeys.
Cary simply does not or refuses to see the earth has shifted on its axis.
The object of Cary's desire rules, not Cary.
So despite the warning signs... the past patterns.....the pleas from loved ones, Cary now sees as adversaries....
despite the storms ahead...the holes in the boat... Cary proceeds on what I believe is a route to self-destruction.
And as much as I thought maybe I could do or say one last thing this morning to save Cary, I know all efforts are futile and I must let Cary go.
If Cary had threatened suicide, or even suggested bringing harm to self or others -- I could call in the troops.
However Cary is doing what Cary always does.
The troops are tired, skeptical and cynical.
And Cary is so determined, there is nothing for me to do but watch from the dock as the Cary's boat heads to sea...even though it is not seaworthy.
I will watch until it becomes a tiny speck on the horizon.
Then I will have a funeral in my head and bid Cary goodbye because I do not believe it is possible for Cary to make it back this time.
And unless Cary gets to this blog (doubtful), or has an epiphany (equally doubtful) before embarking...
unless Cary decides things are getting rough and notices the leaks in the boat and changes course...
Cary is going down with the ship.
And so with this last sentence I let Cary go.
It's time for me to get back on course.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Killer Mamas
Those who visit my Facebook Wall have figured out by now that I am closely following/addicted to the Casey Anthony murder trial.Casey, allegedly killed her daughter Caylee.
I will not waste any more words here with a description of the case, the trial, it's all out there in every possible media form.
To this PI, Casey's a lot like Susan Smith who drowned her three children.
At first she blamed someone else for the disappearance of her her sons.
She said they were kidnapped by a stranger until ultimately, she confessed to sending them to their deaths alive, strapped in their car seats, sinking in a lake, aware of their fates, mommy not helping.
I'll stop there.
Casey Anthony did something similar in my opinion.
Her child disappeared and she blamed someone else.
In this case Zanny the Nanny.
Now she admits she lied, though the depth and breadth of that lie has yet to reveal itself.
In both cases, and countless others, the innocents were killed at the hands of the one who gave them life, their own mothers.
I supposed that's why I am so transfixed on these kinds of cases and trial.
I like to plumb the depths of the unimaginable.
I found these statistics which you will find in the article linked below the excerpt, particularly disturbing.
"How common is filicide, or killing one's child, among mothers? Finding accurate records is nearly impossible, experts say. One problem is classification: The legal disposition of these cases varies enormously. Also, many cases doubtless go unreported or undetected, such as very young mothers who kill their newborns by smothering them or drowning them in a toilet after hiding the entire pregnancy.
"I'd say a mother kills a child in this country once every three days, and that's a low estimate," says Cheryl Meyer, co-author of "Mothers Who Kill Their Children."
The above statement is from this source/link:
"When Mother Kill Children"http://momquotes.net/a1209867-when-mothers-kill-children-shocking-but.cfm
I'll close with another article about the subject.
Information is, after all, power.
Unfortunately, not enough power to bring back all the little ones killed by sick mommies.
However, I carry the hope that every now and then, some one sees a warning sign and calls for help.
That's what today's blog is really about.
I think Casey Anthony's parents had no knowledge of, or played any part, in Caylee's death.
I think they were both ignorant to a possibility they couldn't perceive...
and in extreme denial.
In a way, I think they still are.
More on Killer Moms: http://motherswhokillchildren.blogspot.com/2011/01/filicide-statistics-teenage-children.html
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Letter To Dr. Laura: Can I Own A Canadian?
"In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, written by a U.S. man,and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God, if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football, if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan. James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)"
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Killer Bath Salts
This PI has to hit the road again and so, this message will be brief.
I have blogged before about Bath Salts being used for purposes other than bathing.
People are using them to get high.
Yes, the synthetic drugs crisis situation across this country is growing worse.
Yet who among us would ever consider something that sounds so innocuous as "Bath Salts" to be both a drug of choice and an instrument of death?
Poison control centers are now flooded with Bath Salt calls.
People are dropping like flies because they choose such dangerous and in my opinion, absurd, highs.
I often investigate injuries that happen to soldiers and their families after the soldier returns from Iraq, Afghansitan, wherever.
We have so many military bases here in the Pacific Northwest I go on base or off meeting, to meet with soldiers who are about to deploy or have just returned.
Without failure, if I have a soldier as a client, badly injured in an auto wreck...
he or she has trouble understanding how they survived a war...
then were brought down here at home by DWI, someone uses a cell while texting, two teens road racing or a lousy driver.
However, the link I am leading you to is a whole different story.
This soldier and his wife were brought down by Bath Salts.
Bath salts? Really?
Just follow this link and it will lead you to the whole disturbing story:
Are Bath Salts To Blame in Soldier and Wife's Death? http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/06/14/1704967/bath-salts-blamed-in-2-deaths.html
In April, a mother, father and their five year old son were also done in...
by Bath Salts!
Evidently the high is similar to Meth... which leads down one road, addiction, madness and death.
So with Bath Salts in Dad's system (I'm not sure about Mom), one or both allegedly smothered their five year old son... left his dead body home.... took to the road...
and then both were killed in a collision.
Here's a link to that story. Also quite disturbing.
Are Bath Salts To Blame In Dad, Mom and Child's Deaths? http://www.973kiro.com/?nid=11&sid=468601
I think it best to close with a the following You Tube video, which include testimony from an actual Bath Salt User.
It may help you understand more about a concept that was... and still is.... unfathomable.
At least to me.
I have blogged before about Bath Salts being used for purposes other than bathing.
People are using them to get high.
Yes, the synthetic drugs crisis situation across this country is growing worse.
Yet who among us would ever consider something that sounds so innocuous as "Bath Salts" to be both a drug of choice and an instrument of death?
Poison control centers are now flooded with Bath Salt calls.
People are dropping like flies because they choose such dangerous and in my opinion, absurd, highs.
I often investigate injuries that happen to soldiers and their families after the soldier returns from Iraq, Afghansitan, wherever.
We have so many military bases here in the Pacific Northwest I go on base or off meeting, to meet with soldiers who are about to deploy or have just returned.
Without failure, if I have a soldier as a client, badly injured in an auto wreck...
he or she has trouble understanding how they survived a war...
then were brought down here at home by DWI, someone uses a cell while texting, two teens road racing or a lousy driver.
However, the link I am leading you to is a whole different story.
This soldier and his wife were brought down by Bath Salts.
Bath salts? Really?
Just follow this link and it will lead you to the whole disturbing story:
Are Bath Salts To Blame in Soldier and Wife's Death? http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/06/14/1704967/bath-salts-blamed-in-2-deaths.html
In April, a mother, father and their five year old son were also done in...
by Bath Salts!
Evidently the high is similar to Meth... which leads down one road, addiction, madness and death.
So with Bath Salts in Dad's system (I'm not sure about Mom), one or both allegedly smothered their five year old son... left his dead body home.... took to the road...
and then both were killed in a collision.
Here's a link to that story. Also quite disturbing.
Are Bath Salts To Blame In Dad, Mom and Child's Deaths? http://www.973kiro.com/?nid=11&sid=468601
I think it best to close with a the following You Tube video, which include testimony from an actual Bath Salt User.
It may help you understand more about a concept that was... and still is.... unfathomable.
At least to me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Out Of Minutes
I am rushing today, per usual.
Yet I managed to squeeze in two hours this a.m. to blog about two suicides that occurred in the past two months to people close to me.
The blog was also about preventing one more.
It was one of my better blogs, if I do say so myself.
And then, as we all tend to do, I pushed a wrong button...
or sent some kind of negative energy into cyberspace...
and the blog was zapped away. Erased.
Every single word of it.
I'm sure you know the feeling.
It's like writing the first two pages of a masterpiece and having them spontaneously combust.
May I say "argggghhhh."
However, there was a point to that blog and I will not leave today without making it, via a You Tube.
Because this blog is really for one of my blog readers who I just got off the phone with.
Long story short... he wants to kill himself.
Today.
I do not want him to.
I have lost two people I know to suicide in the past two months and enough is enough I told him.
I don't think he was listening.
We talked through every option for survival.
He is broke, homeless, has no one who loves him, wants him, no state aid, epilepsy and chronic pain from a bone disease.
His family won't help him and he has run out of couches to surf on.
I thought I had him convinced at least they'd give him a bed and three square meals for a little while.
He didn't say a word to that.
In fact all he said to "I've got to go. I'm out of minutes."
I have tried to reach him three times since I told him to "Get into an ER or Crisis Center now."
His pay as you go phone rings to nothingness.
I know no one to call, don't even know if his name is real because he is not a Facebook friend.
He is a blog reader, far across the sea, in an country....
who emailed me in response to a blog I wrote once about a Suicide Bridge.
The song that follows has been posted several times, in different versions on this blog and my wall.
That's because I love it.
And it says something in a way I can't.
To my friend, if you are still out there, please "don't give up."
You never know how the story will end if you give it just one....more...day.
Yet I managed to squeeze in two hours this a.m. to blog about two suicides that occurred in the past two months to people close to me.
The blog was also about preventing one more.
It was one of my better blogs, if I do say so myself.
And then, as we all tend to do, I pushed a wrong button...
or sent some kind of negative energy into cyberspace...
and the blog was zapped away. Erased.
Every single word of it.
I'm sure you know the feeling.
It's like writing the first two pages of a masterpiece and having them spontaneously combust.
May I say "argggghhhh."
However, there was a point to that blog and I will not leave today without making it, via a You Tube.
Because this blog is really for one of my blog readers who I just got off the phone with.
Long story short... he wants to kill himself.
Today.
I do not want him to.
I have lost two people I know to suicide in the past two months and enough is enough I told him.
I don't think he was listening.
We talked through every option for survival.
He is broke, homeless, has no one who loves him, wants him, no state aid, epilepsy and chronic pain from a bone disease.
His family won't help him and he has run out of couches to surf on.
I thought I had him convinced at least they'd give him a bed and three square meals for a little while.
He didn't say a word to that.
In fact all he said to "I've got to go. I'm out of minutes."
I have tried to reach him three times since I told him to "Get into an ER or Crisis Center now."
His pay as you go phone rings to nothingness.
I know no one to call, don't even know if his name is real because he is not a Facebook friend.
He is a blog reader, far across the sea, in an country....
who emailed me in response to a blog I wrote once about a Suicide Bridge.
The song that follows has been posted several times, in different versions on this blog and my wall.
That's because I love it.
And it says something in a way I can't.
To my friend, if you are still out there, please "don't give up."
You never know how the story will end if you give it just one....more...day.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Finding Daddy
We all have or had one.
Some of us know theirs, others do not.
Some of us have been lovingly held in our Daddy's arms, had Daddy wipe our tears and lift us when we fall.
Others have never known unconditional, safe Daddy love.
And others still have been hurt beyond description by Daddy.
Today, I will helping an adopted child find her birth Daddy.
It is a complex and delicate process, because a PI can not reunite people unless certain procedures are followed to protect the privacy and safety of all parties involved.
For instance, if I do find Daddy and Daddy is a druggie, or a sex offender, homeless, psycho or a leech... what then?
What would you do?
If I found out Daddy was alive and a world of trouble....
maybe it's best Daddy not be found?
And I, as a PI, can't just go up to my client's Daddy and say, "Hey Big Daddy, here's the name and address of your long lost daughter."
That would be immoral, unethical and in many states, illegal.
He could be a Predator.
Or he could be a decent man with a family of his own whose wife long ago kidnapped his kid.
Daddy may have been the victim here....
perhaps Mommy hid my client from her Daddy and Mommy is actually a criminal.
So what I do in cases like these...
if I should find Daddy...
I will background Daddy.
I will look for evidence Daddy is okay, sane, stable...
then I might give Daddy a a letter, which I have read, written by his daughter.
I would read it to be sure it contained no identifying information in terms of the daughter's location, address or phone.
I would ask Daddy to give me a letter I could give back to his daughter.
I would be the go-between, until I am certain a safety net is securely in place.
My client's Daddy disappeared shortly after she was born.
Allegedly, her parents divorced and she was told by Mommy he walked and never looked back when his daughter was 3 years old.
My client has nothing but fleeting memories and one wrinkled photo of him holding her in his arms.
I have that photo .
I have been looking at that photo and searching databases...
gathering info...
filling out forms....
including all the legal releases I need...
all the requisite Public Disclosure and Freedom Of Information Act requests to find Daddy.
Yet I am conflicted.
She lived her whole life without him.
Now she is 25 and wants to find him "sooooo bad" she said.
"Why?" I asked her. "Why now?"
"Because I"m pregnant" she said. "I just found out. And I need to know, if only for my baby, what medical conditions may run in my family."
I ask if that's the only reason.
Her eyes welled with tears.
"I want my Daddy."
What do you say to that?
Me, the PI... I knew my Daddy.
I loved my Daddy.
My Daddy did the best for me he could based on how we was raised, what he knew and what he learned. He was not perfect, no one is. Yet he never violated me. I had no doubt he loved me. Unconditionally.
He stayed with my mother, loved my mother, loved me and my siblings like there was no tomorrow.
Then my Daddy died.
My client never knew her Daddy.
Never really talked to her Daddy that she can recall.
Never understood why her Daddy left.
And still, to this very day, can't fathom why Daddy didn't try to find her.
Which leads me to yet another concern.
What if I find out her Daddy is dead?
It is with this case in mind, that I add the song above and these words to my blog.
We may look in the mirror and see wrinkles...
yet inside, we are still the little wounded warriors we were as children.
Time changes our bodies and our perspectives...
yet I have observed it does little to quell the sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness and despair you feel... when someone you loves, leaves your life.
Dead or alive.
This is not a happy blog post.
However, it a real blog post.
Just because I was fortunate enough to have a Daddy who allowed me to believe I could be and do anything I wanted...
doesn't mean everyone else does.
Compassion is all I ask from whoever reads this blog, for those who have not had it as good as they have.
Some people were born with all the luck, love, health and wealth in the world.
Others were dealt a bad hand from birth.
Children have no choice what cards are laid in front of them.
Sad truth is -- sometimes, there is no Ace up anyone's sleeve.
Some of us know theirs, others do not.
Some of us have been lovingly held in our Daddy's arms, had Daddy wipe our tears and lift us when we fall.
Others have never known unconditional, safe Daddy love.
And others still have been hurt beyond description by Daddy.
Today, I will helping an adopted child find her birth Daddy.
It is a complex and delicate process, because a PI can not reunite people unless certain procedures are followed to protect the privacy and safety of all parties involved.
For instance, if I do find Daddy and Daddy is a druggie, or a sex offender, homeless, psycho or a leech... what then?
What would you do?
If I found out Daddy was alive and a world of trouble....
maybe it's best Daddy not be found?
And I, as a PI, can't just go up to my client's Daddy and say, "Hey Big Daddy, here's the name and address of your long lost daughter."
That would be immoral, unethical and in many states, illegal.
He could be a Predator.
Or he could be a decent man with a family of his own whose wife long ago kidnapped his kid.
Daddy may have been the victim here....
perhaps Mommy hid my client from her Daddy and Mommy is actually a criminal.
So what I do in cases like these...
if I should find Daddy...
I will background Daddy.
I will look for evidence Daddy is okay, sane, stable...
then I might give Daddy a a letter, which I have read, written by his daughter.
I would read it to be sure it contained no identifying information in terms of the daughter's location, address or phone.
I would ask Daddy to give me a letter I could give back to his daughter.
I would be the go-between, until I am certain a safety net is securely in place.
My client's Daddy disappeared shortly after she was born.
Allegedly, her parents divorced and she was told by Mommy he walked and never looked back when his daughter was 3 years old.
My client has nothing but fleeting memories and one wrinkled photo of him holding her in his arms.
I have that photo .
I have been looking at that photo and searching databases...
gathering info...
filling out forms....
including all the legal releases I need...
all the requisite Public Disclosure and Freedom Of Information Act requests to find Daddy.
Yet I am conflicted.
She lived her whole life without him.
Now she is 25 and wants to find him "sooooo bad" she said.
"Why?" I asked her. "Why now?"
"Because I"m pregnant" she said. "I just found out. And I need to know, if only for my baby, what medical conditions may run in my family."
I ask if that's the only reason.
Her eyes welled with tears.
"I want my Daddy."
What do you say to that?
Me, the PI... I knew my Daddy.
I loved my Daddy.
My Daddy did the best for me he could based on how we was raised, what he knew and what he learned. He was not perfect, no one is. Yet he never violated me. I had no doubt he loved me. Unconditionally.
He stayed with my mother, loved my mother, loved me and my siblings like there was no tomorrow.
Then my Daddy died.
My client never knew her Daddy.
Never really talked to her Daddy that she can recall.
Never understood why her Daddy left.
And still, to this very day, can't fathom why Daddy didn't try to find her.
Which leads me to yet another concern.
What if I find out her Daddy is dead?
It is with this case in mind, that I add the song above and these words to my blog.
We may look in the mirror and see wrinkles...
yet inside, we are still the little wounded warriors we were as children.
Time changes our bodies and our perspectives...
yet I have observed it does little to quell the sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness and despair you feel... when someone you loves, leaves your life.
Dead or alive.
This is not a happy blog post.
However, it a real blog post.
Just because I was fortunate enough to have a Daddy who allowed me to believe I could be and do anything I wanted...
doesn't mean everyone else does.
Compassion is all I ask from whoever reads this blog, for those who have not had it as good as they have.
Some people were born with all the luck, love, health and wealth in the world.
Others were dealt a bad hand from birth.
Children have no choice what cards are laid in front of them.
Sad truth is -- sometimes, there is no Ace up anyone's sleeve.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Of Liars And Lies
"I was involved, deeply involved, in a deception...
I have deceived my friends - and I had millions of them."
Charles Van Doren
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------h
Chances are you haven't heard the story of Charles Van Doren, unless you've seen the movie or are old enough, like me, to remember the scandal.
However, I've studied the case and am still learning from it because lies are webs we investigators untangle every day to get at the truth.
Van Doren's case is one great case in point in my study of lies.
While many say "follow the money"
I agree. With one addendum, "Follow the lies."
Simply stated, Charles Van Doren lied.
Then the lie dug its way deep inside his entire being....
burrowing through him like some kind of parasite...
until it ruined his life and exposed an industry which was not only vulnerable to lies, it was a industry laden with them.
Not to say that much has changed over the years.
Reality TV isn't real.
They just show the parts they think you want to see.
And in real life, we have people buying into and imitating the lies the media feeds us.
Lies about how to look, how to act, what to weigh, how to be, who to love.
Lies that if you live alone you are not whole.
Lies that a bad relationship is better than no relationship.
Lies about what constitutes success.
Lies about what will and won't make you happy.
Lies that wrinkles suck, weight is an enemy, age is a burden, pain isn't real, money makes you better than others.
The TV lies from my childhood about the "perfect" family -- Ward, June and Beaver Cleaver...
Father Knows Best...
The Andy Griffith Show with Aunt Bea...
all those shows, when compared to my real life, made made me feel, as a kid, that maybe my life wasn't or never would be "normal."
And late in my life, I was still buying into those lies...
especially when I re-married and blended families... my two daughter, his two kids...
I relied on the Brady Bunch as my role model.
I never once considered the Amityville Horror.
Fortunately, my new expanded family... ultimately... blended well.
Though it took time and it took experience/guidance/knowledge the TV shows never provided.
That said, this post is about one man who made a massive lie that destroyed his life and few others.
His name is Charles Van Doren.
This lie was all about money... and fame.
I'm not sure whether Van Doren was was spoon-fed that lie, or he just snorted it up...
because allegedly, it did not originate with him.
However, he became one with... and embodied the lie.
Then the lie grew within him and the industry like a soul-sucking parasite until he was done.
The lie exposed.
Rather than blog about the story, I'm going to post a link right after the last sentence of this post that describes what went down in Van Doren's own words.
Let this be a lesson to us all.
Lies are like tornadoes.
Often they come on strong out of the gate.
Other times they are small then churn, cycle, circle and spin into a vortex that sucks in all within its range.
For an investigator, the key is dissecting or exposing lies.
Separating truth from fiction.
The challenge is this:
often the person telling the lie can only contain that lie by lying to himself...herself... or others.
The lie is told so often, it can appear the liar actually believes the lie.
"I never had sex with that woman" said Clinton.
Perhaps, in his mind, what he did wasn't sex, though I believe he was lying.
And then of course, witness the late and no longer great John Edwards.
His life and career are officially toast because of his lies.
Or take the trial of Casey Anthony.
Her defense is now, "Okay, maybe I did kill Caylee, though it was an accident and I freaked out."
If this were the case, it doesn't explain the duct tape and little sticky heart (the same kind mom and daughter used to play with) on the duct tape allegedly used to cover what was left of Caylee's tiny little mouth.
Nor could Casey's lies to her parents, police, everyone about Zanny the nanny... or working at Universal Studios.... hide the smell of death from her car trunk.
However, watching the trial, I see how smart her lawyers are being, or attempting to be.
They are exposing her lies as part of her defense.
Now they say Caylee's mother, accused murderer Casey, had a life-long chronic history of lying due to her father's newly announced, alleged sexual abuse of Casey, his own daughter.
Her lawyers, it appears, are blaming those closest to her for not only causing her lies, but also for not seeing or addressing those lies her entire life.
In essence, Casey's lawyers are attempting to deflect, to blame, Casey Anthony's family for being the source of those lies.
That they claim, could be cause of Caylee's "accidental" death.
The defense theorizes the family literally drove Casey crazy, contributing to Caylee's death, by not recognizing and/or stopping those lies.
S'cuse me, can you say... B.S.?
So be forewarned, you liars, liars liars.
Your pants are on fire and you will go down in flames.
Maybe not on the scale Madeoff, Weiner, Casey Anthony or Charles van Doren did...
however, lies are webs that will entrap you and choke the life out of you, sooner or later.
And only the truth... and nothing but the truth.... will set you fee.
Just follow this link to read, in Van Durning's own words, his actual testimony... the story of his lie.It is a lesson that rippled to millions and allegedly changed the way one industry does business.
Link to Van Charles Van Doren testimony: http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6566/
I have deceived my friends - and I had millions of them."
Charles Van Doren
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------h
Chances are you haven't heard the story of Charles Van Doren, unless you've seen the movie or are old enough, like me, to remember the scandal.
However, I've studied the case and am still learning from it because lies are webs we investigators untangle every day to get at the truth.
Van Doren's case is one great case in point in my study of lies.
While many say "follow the money"
I agree. With one addendum, "Follow the lies."
Simply stated, Charles Van Doren lied.Then the lie dug its way deep inside his entire being....
burrowing through him like some kind of parasite...
until it ruined his life and exposed an industry which was not only vulnerable to lies, it was a industry laden with them.
Not to say that much has changed over the years.
Reality TV isn't real.
They just show the parts they think you want to see.
And in real life, we have people buying into and imitating the lies the media feeds us.
Lies about how to look, how to act, what to weigh, how to be, who to love.
Lies that if you live alone you are not whole.
Lies that a bad relationship is better than no relationship.
Lies about what constitutes success.
Lies about what will and won't make you happy.
Lies that wrinkles suck, weight is an enemy, age is a burden, pain isn't real, money makes you better than others.
The TV lies from my childhood about the "perfect" family -- Ward, June and Beaver Cleaver...
Father Knows Best...
The Andy Griffith Show with Aunt Bea...
all those shows, when compared to my real life, made made me feel, as a kid, that maybe my life wasn't or never would be "normal."
And late in my life, I was still buying into those lies...
especially when I re-married and blended families... my two daughter, his two kids...
I relied on the Brady Bunch as my role model.
I never once considered the Amityville Horror.
Fortunately, my new expanded family... ultimately... blended well.
Though it took time and it took experience/guidance/knowledge the TV shows never provided.
That said, this post is about one man who made a massive lie that destroyed his life and few others.
His name is Charles Van Doren.
This lie was all about money... and fame.
I'm not sure whether Van Doren was was spoon-fed that lie, or he just snorted it up...
because allegedly, it did not originate with him.
However, he became one with... and embodied the lie.
Then the lie grew within him and the industry like a soul-sucking parasite until he was done.
The lie exposed.
Rather than blog about the story, I'm going to post a link right after the last sentence of this post that describes what went down in Van Doren's own words.
Let this be a lesson to us all.
Lies are like tornadoes.
Often they come on strong out of the gate.
Other times they are small then churn, cycle, circle and spin into a vortex that sucks in all within its range.
For an investigator, the key is dissecting or exposing lies.
Separating truth from fiction.
The challenge is this:
often the person telling the lie can only contain that lie by lying to himself...herself... or others.
The lie is told so often, it can appear the liar actually believes the lie.
"I never had sex with that woman" said Clinton.
Perhaps, in his mind, what he did wasn't sex, though I believe he was lying.
And then of course, witness the late and no longer great John Edwards.
His life and career are officially toast because of his lies.
Or take the trial of Casey Anthony.
Her defense is now, "Okay, maybe I did kill Caylee, though it was an accident and I freaked out."
If this were the case, it doesn't explain the duct tape and little sticky heart (the same kind mom and daughter used to play with) on the duct tape allegedly used to cover what was left of Caylee's tiny little mouth.
Nor could Casey's lies to her parents, police, everyone about Zanny the nanny... or working at Universal Studios.... hide the smell of death from her car trunk.
However, watching the trial, I see how smart her lawyers are being, or attempting to be.
They are exposing her lies as part of her defense.
Now they say Caylee's mother, accused murderer Casey, had a life-long chronic history of lying due to her father's newly announced, alleged sexual abuse of Casey, his own daughter.
Her lawyers, it appears, are blaming those closest to her for not only causing her lies, but also for not seeing or addressing those lies her entire life.
In essence, Casey's lawyers are attempting to deflect, to blame, Casey Anthony's family for being the source of those lies.
That they claim, could be cause of Caylee's "accidental" death.
The defense theorizes the family literally drove Casey crazy, contributing to Caylee's death, by not recognizing and/or stopping those lies.
S'cuse me, can you say... B.S.?
So be forewarned, you liars, liars liars.
Your pants are on fire and you will go down in flames.
Maybe not on the scale Madeoff, Weiner, Casey Anthony or Charles van Doren did...
however, lies are webs that will entrap you and choke the life out of you, sooner or later.
And only the truth... and nothing but the truth.... will set you fee.
Just follow this link to read, in Van Durning's own words, his actual testimony... the story of his lie.It is a lesson that rippled to millions and allegedly changed the way one industry does business.
Link to Van Charles Van Doren testimony: http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6566/
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Weiner Roast
My apologies in advance. I know the below smacks of major sensationalism.
I just couldn't resist posting this You Tube video because this whole Weiner business is getting better by the day.
As I travel my rounds, listening to the left, the right, and NPR on every station Seattle offers, opinions are varied.
Re: Weiner.... should he stay or should he go?
Evidently Donald Trump has an opinion on the matter.
I just couldn't resist posting this You Tube video because this whole Weiner business is getting better by the day.
As I travel my rounds, listening to the left, the right, and NPR on every station Seattle offers, opinions are varied.
Re: Weiner.... should he stay or should he go?
Evidently Donald Trump has an opinion on the matter.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
RE: Mommy Dearest vs. TSA - Full Version
Below is the complete uncut version filmed by a persistent son after he filmed his hysterical Mommy flipping out at TSA Checkpoint. I think Mommy has issues with being touched. It's a full ten minutes and it's fascinating to me to see how everyone reacts while the son holds his legal ground. While I admire her son's tenacity and calm under pressure as he filmed and was confronted by various authorities, I can't help but wonder what life is like behind closed doors in that house. I sure wouldn't want to sit next to that mommy on a plane at 30,000 feet.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Before You Say "I Do"
It's been way too long since I blogged.
I have excuses... good ones.
I also believe "excuses are the pillars of fools."
So I will spare you my excuses for letting this blog go unattended.
Suffice to say, I've been more than a bit busy investigating this week.
Then end result is I am bursting with wisdom this fine Pacific Northwest morning...
so I figured I'd share the knowledge and vent at the same time as I sometimes find these domestic disturbances cases I work, quite disturbing.
Because when it comes to love for the first one to nine months, it can truly blind, deaf and dumb.
That's how long experts say it takes the hormones to wear off and the true conflicts/ cheating/ fighting to start.
Normally, I sub-contract out the cheating spouses/partners cases.
Unless it's someone I care about.... or fraud is involved.
Usually when someone calls and asks me to find out why their partner goes somewhere without them for evenings, weekends and takes trips without them, I first probe, then usually deliver my standard response.
"If you think they're cheating, they are. Don't hire me, save your money for a good divorce attorney." They hire me... or another PI... anyway.
The fact is, by the time you have a PI following your lover/ partner, the relationship is NOT in good shape. And when those tides turn, emotional waters get rough with undertows and riptides.
When I realize my client is being used, abused, lied to, cheated on... I am more concerned about securing that client's financial and emotional hatches than saving their drowning illusion or delusion.
So one day this week, there were two of us following a wealthy man's wife.
I have worked for this man a couple of times over the years.
There are always people after him, his business, threatening to sue him.
He is rich, very handsome, successful and any woman would want this guy if he was single.
However, he is not single.
He is married and has four children, the oldest in middle school.
And he is intensely loyal to his wife of 15 years.
He told me he has never cheated... yet only he knows whether that is the truth... though I tend to believe him.
There are some men, or women, who would never cheat on their partners.
Likewise, there are some people who would never insult, criticize or demean their partners to others.
In fact, there are some people who would never betray a trust, friendship, love or loyalty.
My husband, for example, is one of them.
And I believe the man I just mentioned, the wealthy man who asked me to follow his wife is also one of those loyal, moral, ethical men.
My client said there are times his wife goes places she doesn't want him to go.
She has a separate group of friends... the "girls" she says.
When it's girls night out, he figured it was just that.
Yet when she recently started to take trips without him, a weekend, week or even a couple weeks with the girls... he said, "I'd like to join you."
She said, "No honey, it's just a girl's thing."
Being the primary financier of her recreational adventures (she worked until her business went under just after the wedding), this wealthy man felt that something may be up and called me.
This week, he asked me to follow his wife who was going off on another of her mysterious adventures. I was up for a little chase and adrenalin, so another PI and I were off and running, on her tail for a day.
The good news was that day... the only affair she had was with a high-end department store which was having its yearly sale, which is precisely where she told her husband she was going.
I thought he'd be thrilled. Not so. He still doesn't believe her.
So he asked me to put GPS on her car.
I respectfully declined.
He asked me to tap her phone, put a key stroke monitor on her computer.
Again, I said no.
I explained Washington is a two-party consent state and I am simply not willing to lose my license or go to jail or put him in harms way for violating privacy laws.
I asked her if he pays her cell bills. He said yes.
I told him to study the numbers -- incoming and outgoing see if there were ones he didn't recognize that came up more frequently than others.
These unknown numbers could be run through the reverse directory and reveal truths.
He asked if more surveillance could be done to be sure she wasn't cheating.
I said yes, though he could spend lots of money and still find nothing.
He was insistent on another surveillance.
So I suggested he plan a "business trip" and tell her... a few weeks in advance... he is going out of town on a Friday or Saturday night. Both nights if he's willing to spring for it.
I said once a partner is sure the other is out of state, they go out of their loyal/dutiful, girlfriend/spouse mode and into the arms of another.
I told him I suspect if she has an affair, she will act on it when she knows he is far far away.
So he scheduled a business trip.
And my calendar is now marked for a single Saturday night weeks from now.
We will have two cars, a team of investigators.
We will be on her like white on rice.
I don't want her to be cheating. I really don't.
He loves her.
He has a huge amount of money.
He owns a business and buildings.
If she is cheating and they divorce, there goes half of everything he's got, not to mention maintenance and child support...
because Washington is a no fault divorce state.
The minute you marry, without a pre-nup, at least half of everything you have becomes your soon to ex's.
I am using this story of a long term marriage as an example... because I have several cases now of people suddenly meeting and marrying within 4 months.
These quickie romances are not turning out well.
See... people are not usually what they appear to be.
You don't see a person's true essence, character, how they act under pressure and how well they treat you... until time reveals it to you.
They can beautiful on the outside, yet their insides can be broken...
and someone who has fallen in love with another may not notice the fatal flaws.
People can appear to be affluent, successful.... while they are slowly sinking in a financial quagmire and desperately seeking a way out.
Or maybe they are emotionally unstable, yet able to hold it together long enough to dupe the person they hope will make them whole.
The frustrating part of being is a PI is when we catch these bad acts going on....
the person who hires us still won't believe.... or leave.
Many times I have caught cheaters on tape... and still their partners stay.
One women who actually caught her husband cheating said his response was,
"Who are you gonna' believe. Me or your lying eyes?"
Cheating is so preponderant, it's almost old school.
Ask California's muscleman governor, now turned Marriage Terminator.
Ask John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, or the head of the International Monetary Fund.
Cheating is one thing.
Marrying someone for their money or assets is another.
This is what really gets my goat because I am getting more and more of these cases.
To me these deceptive marriages are more about fraud than cheating.
I have actually heard... many times... from both men and women going through horrible domestic disputes or divorces, "Next time I am marrying for money, not love."
These are the people you have to look out for.
Once they have failed at several marriages, three or more, you can be fairly sure the next ones won't be keepers.
I will say this again, it is worth repeating.
Without a pre-nup, the minute you marry... at least half of everything you have becomes the other person's.
And all of their debts and liabilities, family history and dysfunctions become yours.
I say this as a hypocrite.
I married without a pre-nup the second (and final) time.
I did not follow my advice. That was before I knew enough to have given this advice.
So I guess I got lucky.
Then again, I didn't have huge assets to protect.
We both brought equal money... and each of us brought two kids....his sons, my daughters... to the table.
However I studied everything about the man who asked me to marry him before I said yes.
I studied his background, his family, his long term relationship, his healthy relationship with his family and children, there was a solid, stable human being there.
Sure there was a wild "bad boy" past, 14 years in the military will do that to you.
There were ups and downs in his background, however, nothing alarming.
I also took many steps before we co-mingled our lives.
I introduced him to my family and friends and then listened....
ok...interrogated.... everyone I cared about who met him.
Everyone liked him.
In fact, our kids, my daughter, his son... introduced us.
He made sure I met every single one of his friends.
I spent evenings with them.
He said they too gave him a thumbs up for me.
Both of us felt burned by our prior marriages and had been single a long time.
We were both cautious.
I have a mom who is a therapist.
She's taught me more than few things about love and life.
She said one of the best ways to judge the long term potential of a relationship...
is to study the relationship the person you are seeing has with their immediate family.
If there's alienation between your new girlfriend/boyfriend and their mother and father....
or your new lover and their children....
proceed with extreme caution and examine/investigate/scrutinize why these relationships went sour.
Was physical or psychological abuse involved?
That's one reason a child might stop talking to a mother or father.
Why would a parent cut a kid out of their life?
Was the kid a bad seed? Really and truly bad -- violent, stealing, drugging, angry, bed-wetting, animal killing, pre-serial killer type behavior?
What if the person you are seeing has cut his or her own kids out of their life deliberately just because the parent doesn't like their child's spouse? Or because parent and child simply had an argument?
That's serious stuff of the major red flag variety... marrying someone estranged from their family.
Of course there are no absolutes.
Did a child refuse to talk to their mother despite the mother's attempts to reconcile?
In that case, if the mother tried and tried and tried to no avail...what can she do?
There are exceptions and objections to every theory...
though it is said.. "the best a relationship will ever be, is in the very beginning."
So if you're in the first few months of a relationship and you've already had big fights, let's just say, it's gonna' get worse.
And if you fight often with a person you are dating or engaged to...
and if they are alienated from their children and don't care...
or they talk about you behind your back...
and for some reason your kids are saying "whoa, hold on, don't do it"...
it's like a DNA test.
In my mind, there's a 99.9% chance a marriage with that person will turn out badly.
And in this PI's opinion, it is far better to live alone happily than marry someone with whom you will live miserably.
May I suggest the following...
Make no big life moves to a new partner/spouse without "vetting", studying, or back grounding them... including doing your own psychological profile beforehand.
It would be great if you could run their credit report, you can't without their permission.
But you can get a big picture with careful study, question and observations.
You can look beneath any surface and know even though someone appears beautiful, successful, affluent and rich -- that could very well be a complete and total lie.
They could be sinking in this financial hell hole we call the current economy and will drag you down with them. Despite the fact you thought they have it all together.
I could not count the number of relationships I have seen in my many years as a PI that started out where one partner (rich) was crazy about another partner (appearing rich but financially sinking)...and the second partner marries the first.
Poof!
Sinking partner moves into a beautiful home and now owns half that home without a pre nup.
The kids.... who always see this coming... try to raise red flags, but the new predatory partner quickly eliminates them from the equation. Then the friends go. Sinking partner used affluent partner to climb to the surface, essential isolating everyone in their new conquest's life.
So here's what I suggest to everyone out there who falls in love and wants to tie the knot before the 1-9 month hormonal relationship wears off.
Test the strength of the rope before you tie the knot.
Now I rarely go because I work so much...
however I am always invited EVERYWHERE he goes.
And though I invite him, he chooses not to go out on with me on girls night out.
When he's with the guys, I tend to let him be.
Beware of yellers, screamers, name callers, people who bark orders, demand you comply.
He has never once called me a name behind my back or to my face.
He does not want me to change who I am because he likes me the way I am.
And most important... the real deal breaker...according to my mom the therapist...
would be drinking/drugs or cheating.
My husband doesn't drink.
When I occasionally do savor my wine or martini, I tend to get surly... or depressed.
(Alcohol is a social lubricant and depressant)
The fact that he is sober, tends to diffuse any conflict immediately.
Two people fueled by alcohol inevitably leads to implosion or explosion.
Especially as we age.
RE: the other deal breaker.... cheating.
I know for a fact my husband will never cheat on me. Nor I him.
He is my best friend and loyal and I believe my birth daughters love him.
And I love his birth sons.
All the children, now adults, hit crisis points as all kids do and all come to and through our nest, with love and open arms.
Blended families are difficult. It has not been 100% smooth sailing.
More like a mix between the Waltons and Amityville Horror.
Yet because my husband is so stable psychologically and never witnessed his parents scream, argue, or insult each other...
because he saw how well his father treated his mother and how all the kids in his family love each other and their parents...
we've been happy, stable for more than a decade... despite the challenges blended families bring.
So I close with this advice for all considering a "marriage" of any sorts -- personal or professional.
1. If marrying someone, go for a long engagement if you haven't been together long. Wait at least 9 months until the hormones wear off and the true personas reveal themselves.
It gets dark, ugly, mean. People lose their jobs, sanity, even lives.
Then the party's not only over... you got yourself a wake.
It is time now to close this blog because I must work on a murder that came from such circumstances. He chose her because of her money, then he killed her.
Fortunately the murders are the exception.... the divorces in bad marriages are the norm.
I have at least one of these cases every six months to a year.
In this case, the man, the killer, was asset hungry.
He was a good looking guy who appeared successful with multiple businesses and she had no clue this was an illusion.
She was an heiress.
He was scum.
Once the his new bride put two and two together...
figured out he was a jerk, insulting and demeaning her behind her back to everyone, including his own kids...
going on long trips without her...
refusing to include her in any of his activities...
intimacy stopped, unless they both drank.
Then... not only he, but she was drinking like a fish....
and they were fighting like sharks.
Her family couldn't stand him.
Finally, she wanted out.
He didn't want to sell the incredible estate/house he moved into.
He didn't want to pay divorce attorneys.
So he killed her
He made sure they got life insurance when they they married, made it look like a suicide and within two years she was dead. He was rich. Her kids, bereft.
I have been hired by the kids.
The case is now in probate while the police... and another PI and I dig for evidence to help the prosecutor find probable cause to get this guy charged and get the money back to the family.
Of course this is an extreme.
Most bad unions just end badly.
In my best case break-up scenario.... people are alienated, money is lost, dreams die.
In worst case scenarios, think Humpty Dumpty.
All the kings horses and all the kinds men couldn't put Humpty together again.
I have excuses... good ones.
I also believe "excuses are the pillars of fools."
So I will spare you my excuses for letting this blog go unattended.
Suffice to say, I've been more than a bit busy investigating this week.
Then end result is I am bursting with wisdom this fine Pacific Northwest morning...
so I figured I'd share the knowledge and vent at the same time as I sometimes find these domestic disturbances cases I work, quite disturbing.
Because when it comes to love for the first one to nine months, it can truly blind, deaf and dumb.
That's how long experts say it takes the hormones to wear off and the true conflicts/ cheating/ fighting to start.
Normally, I sub-contract out the cheating spouses/partners cases.
Unless it's someone I care about.... or fraud is involved.
Usually when someone calls and asks me to find out why their partner goes somewhere without them for evenings, weekends and takes trips without them, I first probe, then usually deliver my standard response.
"If you think they're cheating, they are. Don't hire me, save your money for a good divorce attorney." They hire me... or another PI... anyway.
The fact is, by the time you have a PI following your lover/ partner, the relationship is NOT in good shape. And when those tides turn, emotional waters get rough with undertows and riptides.
When I realize my client is being used, abused, lied to, cheated on... I am more concerned about securing that client's financial and emotional hatches than saving their drowning illusion or delusion.
So one day this week, there were two of us following a wealthy man's wife.
I have worked for this man a couple of times over the years.
There are always people after him, his business, threatening to sue him.
He is rich, very handsome, successful and any woman would want this guy if he was single.
However, he is not single.
He is married and has four children, the oldest in middle school.
And he is intensely loyal to his wife of 15 years.
He told me he has never cheated... yet only he knows whether that is the truth... though I tend to believe him.
There are some men, or women, who would never cheat on their partners.
Likewise, there are some people who would never insult, criticize or demean their partners to others.
In fact, there are some people who would never betray a trust, friendship, love or loyalty.
My husband, for example, is one of them.
And I believe the man I just mentioned, the wealthy man who asked me to follow his wife is also one of those loyal, moral, ethical men.
My client said there are times his wife goes places she doesn't want him to go.
She has a separate group of friends... the "girls" she says.
When it's girls night out, he figured it was just that.
Yet when she recently started to take trips without him, a weekend, week or even a couple weeks with the girls... he said, "I'd like to join you."
She said, "No honey, it's just a girl's thing."
Being the primary financier of her recreational adventures (she worked until her business went under just after the wedding), this wealthy man felt that something may be up and called me.
This week, he asked me to follow his wife who was going off on another of her mysterious adventures. I was up for a little chase and adrenalin, so another PI and I were off and running, on her tail for a day.
The good news was that day... the only affair she had was with a high-end department store which was having its yearly sale, which is precisely where she told her husband she was going.
I thought he'd be thrilled. Not so. He still doesn't believe her.
So he asked me to put GPS on her car.
I respectfully declined.
He asked me to tap her phone, put a key stroke monitor on her computer.
Again, I said no.
I explained Washington is a two-party consent state and I am simply not willing to lose my license or go to jail or put him in harms way for violating privacy laws.
I asked her if he pays her cell bills. He said yes.
I told him to study the numbers -- incoming and outgoing see if there were ones he didn't recognize that came up more frequently than others.
These unknown numbers could be run through the reverse directory and reveal truths.
He asked if more surveillance could be done to be sure she wasn't cheating.
I said yes, though he could spend lots of money and still find nothing.
He was insistent on another surveillance.
So I suggested he plan a "business trip" and tell her... a few weeks in advance... he is going out of town on a Friday or Saturday night. Both nights if he's willing to spring for it.
I said once a partner is sure the other is out of state, they go out of their loyal/dutiful, girlfriend/spouse mode and into the arms of another.
I told him I suspect if she has an affair, she will act on it when she knows he is far far away.
So he scheduled a business trip.
And my calendar is now marked for a single Saturday night weeks from now.
We will have two cars, a team of investigators.
We will be on her like white on rice.
I don't want her to be cheating. I really don't.
He loves her.
He has a huge amount of money.
He owns a business and buildings.
If she is cheating and they divorce, there goes half of everything he's got, not to mention maintenance and child support...
because Washington is a no fault divorce state.
The minute you marry, without a pre-nup, at least half of everything you have becomes your soon to ex's.
I am using this story of a long term marriage as an example... because I have several cases now of people suddenly meeting and marrying within 4 months.
These quickie romances are not turning out well.
See... people are not usually what they appear to be.
You don't see a person's true essence, character, how they act under pressure and how well they treat you... until time reveals it to you.
They can beautiful on the outside, yet their insides can be broken...
and someone who has fallen in love with another may not notice the fatal flaws.
People can appear to be affluent, successful.... while they are slowly sinking in a financial quagmire and desperately seeking a way out.
Or maybe they are emotionally unstable, yet able to hold it together long enough to dupe the person they hope will make them whole.
The frustrating part of being is a PI is when we catch these bad acts going on....
the person who hires us still won't believe.... or leave.
Many times I have caught cheaters on tape... and still their partners stay.
One women who actually caught her husband cheating said his response was,
"Who are you gonna' believe. Me or your lying eyes?"
Cheating is so preponderant, it's almost old school.
Ask California's muscleman governor, now turned Marriage Terminator.
Ask John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, or the head of the International Monetary Fund.
Cheating is one thing.
Marrying someone for their money or assets is another.
This is what really gets my goat because I am getting more and more of these cases.
To me these deceptive marriages are more about fraud than cheating.
I have actually heard... many times... from both men and women going through horrible domestic disputes or divorces, "Next time I am marrying for money, not love."
These are the people you have to look out for.
Once they have failed at several marriages, three or more, you can be fairly sure the next ones won't be keepers.
I will say this again, it is worth repeating.
Without a pre-nup, the minute you marry... at least half of everything you have becomes the other person's.
And all of their debts and liabilities, family history and dysfunctions become yours.
I say this as a hypocrite.
I married without a pre-nup the second (and final) time.
I did not follow my advice. That was before I knew enough to have given this advice.
So I guess I got lucky.
Then again, I didn't have huge assets to protect.
We both brought equal money... and each of us brought two kids....his sons, my daughters... to the table.
However I studied everything about the man who asked me to marry him before I said yes.
I studied his background, his family, his long term relationship, his healthy relationship with his family and children, there was a solid, stable human being there.
Sure there was a wild "bad boy" past, 14 years in the military will do that to you.
There were ups and downs in his background, however, nothing alarming.
I also took many steps before we co-mingled our lives.
I introduced him to my family and friends and then listened....
ok...interrogated.... everyone I cared about who met him.
Everyone liked him.
In fact, our kids, my daughter, his son... introduced us.
He made sure I met every single one of his friends.
I spent evenings with them.
He said they too gave him a thumbs up for me.
Both of us felt burned by our prior marriages and had been single a long time.
We were both cautious.
I have a mom who is a therapist.
She's taught me more than few things about love and life.
She said one of the best ways to judge the long term potential of a relationship...
is to study the relationship the person you are seeing has with their immediate family.
If there's alienation between your new girlfriend/boyfriend and their mother and father....
or your new lover and their children....
proceed with extreme caution and examine/investigate/scrutinize why these relationships went sour.
Was physical or psychological abuse involved?
That's one reason a child might stop talking to a mother or father.
Why would a parent cut a kid out of their life?
Was the kid a bad seed? Really and truly bad -- violent, stealing, drugging, angry, bed-wetting, animal killing, pre-serial killer type behavior?
What if the person you are seeing has cut his or her own kids out of their life deliberately just because the parent doesn't like their child's spouse? Or because parent and child simply had an argument?
That's serious stuff of the major red flag variety... marrying someone estranged from their family.
Of course there are no absolutes.
Did a child refuse to talk to their mother despite the mother's attempts to reconcile?
In that case, if the mother tried and tried and tried to no avail...what can she do?
There are exceptions and objections to every theory...
though it is said.. "the best a relationship will ever be, is in the very beginning."
So if you're in the first few months of a relationship and you've already had big fights, let's just say, it's gonna' get worse.
And if you fight often with a person you are dating or engaged to...
and if they are alienated from their children and don't care...
or they talk about you behind your back...
and for some reason your kids are saying "whoa, hold on, don't do it"...
it's like a DNA test.
In my mind, there's a 99.9% chance a marriage with that person will turn out badly.
And in this PI's opinion, it is far better to live alone happily than marry someone with whom you will live miserably.
May I suggest the following...
Make no big life moves to a new partner/spouse without "vetting", studying, or back grounding them... including doing your own psychological profile beforehand.
It would be great if you could run their credit report, you can't without their permission.
But you can get a big picture with careful study, question and observations.
You can look beneath any surface and know even though someone appears beautiful, successful, affluent and rich -- that could very well be a complete and total lie.
They could be sinking in this financial hell hole we call the current economy and will drag you down with them. Despite the fact you thought they have it all together.
I could not count the number of relationships I have seen in my many years as a PI that started out where one partner (rich) was crazy about another partner (appearing rich but financially sinking)...and the second partner marries the first.
Poof!
Sinking partner moves into a beautiful home and now owns half that home without a pre nup.
The kids.... who always see this coming... try to raise red flags, but the new predatory partner quickly eliminates them from the equation. Then the friends go. Sinking partner used affluent partner to climb to the surface, essential isolating everyone in their new conquest's life.
So here's what I suggest to everyone out there who falls in love and wants to tie the knot before the 1-9 month hormonal relationship wears off.
Test the strength of the rope before you tie the knot.
- Live together a while.
- Endure a few good fights.
- Make sure your new love includes, or at least invites you on ALL their adventures with friends.
Now I rarely go because I work so much...
however I am always invited EVERYWHERE he goes.
And though I invite him, he chooses not to go out on with me on girls night out.
When he's with the guys, I tend to let him be.
Beware of yellers, screamers, name callers, people who bark orders, demand you comply.
He has never once called me a name behind my back or to my face.
He does not want me to change who I am because he likes me the way I am.
And most important... the real deal breaker...according to my mom the therapist...
would be drinking/drugs or cheating.
My husband doesn't drink.
When I occasionally do savor my wine or martini, I tend to get surly... or depressed.
(Alcohol is a social lubricant and depressant)
The fact that he is sober, tends to diffuse any conflict immediately.
Two people fueled by alcohol inevitably leads to implosion or explosion.
Especially as we age.
RE: the other deal breaker.... cheating.
I know for a fact my husband will never cheat on me. Nor I him.
He is my best friend and loyal and I believe my birth daughters love him.
And I love his birth sons.
All the children, now adults, hit crisis points as all kids do and all come to and through our nest, with love and open arms.
Blended families are difficult. It has not been 100% smooth sailing.
More like a mix between the Waltons and Amityville Horror.
Yet because my husband is so stable psychologically and never witnessed his parents scream, argue, or insult each other...
because he saw how well his father treated his mother and how all the kids in his family love each other and their parents...
we've been happy, stable for more than a decade... despite the challenges blended families bring.
So I close with this advice for all considering a "marriage" of any sorts -- personal or professional.
1. If marrying someone, go for a long engagement if you haven't been together long. Wait at least 9 months until the hormones wear off and the true personas reveal themselves.
- 50% of first marriages end in divorce.
- 70% of second ones end in divorce.
- You have to have something amazing going on in a relationship to beat the odds.
- The families must meld.
- That person must welcome you into ALL areas of their lives.
- Even if you choose not to go on a trip they take, a true love will invite you.
- People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
- Want you to change... to dress differently, act differently?
- Tell you how to live your life?
- Alienate you from your family and friends?
- Tell you what to do?
- Include you in their inner sanctum of friends?
- Get a sense of where they are financially, psychologically, emotionally.
- In a professional partnership, you can check credit and money issues
- Bring in a forensic accountant to study their books
- Your friends are a better judge of whether a person's right for you because love is the antithesis of objectivity
- If you think this is truly the love of your life and it's not necessary, you are deluding yourself.
- Nothing will take you the poverty level faster than losing half what you have to someone in a divorce.
It gets dark, ugly, mean. People lose their jobs, sanity, even lives.
Then the party's not only over... you got yourself a wake.
It is time now to close this blog because I must work on a murder that came from such circumstances. He chose her because of her money, then he killed her.
Fortunately the murders are the exception.... the divorces in bad marriages are the norm.
I have at least one of these cases every six months to a year.
In this case, the man, the killer, was asset hungry.
He was a good looking guy who appeared successful with multiple businesses and she had no clue this was an illusion.
She was an heiress.
He was scum.
Once the his new bride put two and two together...
figured out he was a jerk, insulting and demeaning her behind her back to everyone, including his own kids...
going on long trips without her...
refusing to include her in any of his activities...
intimacy stopped, unless they both drank.
Then... not only he, but she was drinking like a fish....
and they were fighting like sharks.
Her family couldn't stand him.
Finally, she wanted out.
He didn't want to sell the incredible estate/house he moved into.
He didn't want to pay divorce attorneys.
So he killed her
He made sure they got life insurance when they they married, made it look like a suicide and within two years she was dead. He was rich. Her kids, bereft.
I have been hired by the kids.
The case is now in probate while the police... and another PI and I dig for evidence to help the prosecutor find probable cause to get this guy charged and get the money back to the family.
Of course this is an extreme.
Most bad unions just end badly.
In my best case break-up scenario.... people are alienated, money is lost, dreams die.
In worst case scenarios, think Humpty Dumpty.
All the kings horses and all the kinds men couldn't put Humpty together again.
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