RE: Letter to Dr. Laura

Turns out the "Letter To Dr Laura" a few posts down, was not written by Dr Kauffman. Many thanks to Dennis Mahon who pointed out this fact in the comments section of the post. You'll find the original  letter a few posts down. Here's  Dr Kauffman's fascinating response, also sent by Dennis who found the story on Snopes, Just in case the Dr.'s links aren't live, here's a link to Dr. Kauffman's letter.
http://drlauraletter.com/

I, James M. Kauffman,
Did Not Write the Open Letter to Dr. Laura

To learn more about the widely distributed "Dr. Laura Letter," please read the Urban Legend Reference Page on the Snopes site.

This page provides access to the story of correspondence I've received regarding a letter written to Dr. Laura Schlessinger by someone unknown to me (and, as far as I know, to anyone else). I include in the story my commentary on the communications I've received and other issues. Although I did not write it, the "open letter to Dr. Laura" circulated on Internet over my signature without my consent.

• Preface and Contents
• Chapter 1: Fame Without Fortune
• Chapter 2: Love and Hate
• Chapter 3: Scripture
• Chapter 4: People
• Chapter 5: Gullible and Skeptical

Please feel free to peruse my curriculum vita to learn about what I actually have written.

Dido -"White Flag": A Requiem

That Sinking Feeling

I feel I have to watch and wait, while a friend sinks.
This is the same friend I have witnessed crash and burn time after time.
While this friend, Cary (a pseudonym) has always been a survivor...
I know this time, is different.

It is not comfortable for me to sit on the sidelines knowing there are tiny holes in Cary's boat and once those holes fill with water, Cary will go down with the ship.
I have warned Cary.
I called Cary.
Indeed, I have spoken to Cary many times, the last conversation ended up rather heated, with Cary hanging up on me.
Then I wrote Cary.
Cary did not reply.
I called Cary again.
Cary did not pick up.
I stopped trying because I realize now....
on those rare occasions when Cary did appear to listen, Cary wasn't really listening or hearing.
Cary just turned a deaf eye and a blind eye in my direction, giving me a complacent nod...
because Cary is an addict.
I will not tell you what Cary is addicted to.
Nor will I tell you whether Cary is a man or a woman.
And I can not tell you how long I have known Cary, where Cary lives, or what Cary does.
Let's just say I have known Cary for a long enough time to know Cary repeated and repeats this same pattern, day after day, month after month, year after year.
Repeating the same pattern over and over again... and expecting a different result.... is one definition of insanity.
I'd say that is the case here. Only on the outside.... Cary does not appear insane.

Cary indulges in the addiction... the addiction takes hold... the part of the brain that might normally say stop, says go...
and it is no longer the person talking....it is the addict.
Everyone falls by the wayside, family, friends while the addiction burrows in like a tapeworm.
Cary could be using street drugs, prescription drugs, whiffing, snorting, shooting up.
Cary could be in love with a dangerous, destructive person.
Cary could be a compulsive gambler, cheater.
Cary could be eating way too much or not eating all all.

I think many of us have people like Cary in our lives.
We have sent up red flags, put out huge warning signs, have screamed "fire," yet nothing works.
Then comes the time to let that person go.
And that's the hardest thing for this friend...
and P.I. to do now.

I woke up this morning with two things on my my mind.
Cary. And this blog.
I need to change the blog while I write a book.
That will begin tomorrow.
Today, however, I wanted to try.... one last time.... to save Cary.
One... last... time.

Cary's boat is leaving the dock and Cary is heading to an area like Cape Horn.
Not many ships make it safely around Cape Horn... let alone a boat with holes and a delusional Captain at the wheel.
Yet because Cary has survived a lifetime of stormy waters, Cary believes it's smooth sailing ahead.
I, and others who know, care for, or love Cary, believe a safe harbor at the end of this crossing is not possible.
Only those with a steady, wise, unbiased, well-schooled hand at the helm and objective eyes on the seas, can make it through a Cape Horn.
Cary is heading towards the most treacherous of seas....
lost in the hormones... or the drugs.... or the food...the addiction... the desire... the want...
whatever it is that causes all the people like Cary to substitute emotion for logic.
Cary's only companion on this final journey is no friend.
The companion is an addiction desperate to be fed.
And when the mask comes off  and Cary discovers a demon in the boat, Cary will be devoured, if the boat doesn't sink first.
Cary is clueless.
Consumed by desire, lust, whatever....
Cary made the decision to proceed on the same course safely traveled so many times in the past years. No lessons were learned from the bumps and bruises along prior journeys.

Cary simply does not or refuses to see the earth has shifted on its axis.
The object of Cary's desire rules, not Cary.
So despite the warning signs... the past patterns.....the pleas from loved ones, Cary now sees as adversaries....
despite the storms ahead...the holes in the boat... Cary proceeds on what I believe is a route to self-destruction.
And as much as I thought maybe I could do or say one last thing this morning to save Cary, I know all efforts are futile and I must let Cary go.
If Cary had threatened suicide,  or even suggested bringing harm to self or others -- I could call in the troops.
However Cary is doing what Cary always does.
The troops are tired, skeptical and cynical.
And Cary is so determined, there is nothing for me to do but watch from the dock as the Cary's boat heads to sea...even though it is not seaworthy.
I will watch until it becomes a tiny speck on the horizon.
Then I will have a funeral in my head and bid Cary goodbye because I do not believe it is possible for Cary to make it back this time.
And unless Cary gets to this blog (doubtful), or  has an epiphany (equally doubtful) before embarking...
unless Cary decides things are getting rough and notices the leaks in the boat and changes course...
Cary is going down with the ship.
And so with this last sentence I let Cary go.
It's time for me to get back on course.

Killer Mamas

Those who visit my Facebook Wall have figured out by now that I am closely following/addicted to the Casey Anthony murder trial.
Casey, allegedly killed her daughter Caylee.
I will not waste any more words here with a description of the case, the trial, it's all out there in every possible media form.
To this PI, Casey's a lot like Susan Smith who drowned her three children.
At first she blamed someone else for the disappearance of her her sons.
She said they were kidnapped by a stranger until ultimately, she confessed to sending them to their deaths alive, strapped in their car seats,  sinking in a lake,  aware of their fates, mommy not helping.
I'll stop there.

Casey Anthony did something similar in my opinion.
Her child disappeared and she blamed someone else.
In this case Zanny the Nanny.
Now she admits she lied, though the depth and breadth of that lie has yet to reveal itself.
In both cases, and countless others,  the innocents were killed at the hands of the one who gave them life, their own mothers.
I supposed that's why I am so transfixed on these kinds of cases and trial.
I like to plumb the depths of the unimaginable.

I found these statistics which you will find in the article linked below the excerpt, particularly disturbing.
"How common is filicide, or killing one's child, among mothers? Finding accurate records is nearly impossible, experts say. One problem is classification: The legal disposition of these cases varies enormously. Also, many cases doubtless go unreported or undetected, such as very young mothers who kill their newborns by smothering them or drowning them in a toilet after hiding the entire pregnancy.

"I'd say a mother kills a child in this country once every three days, and that's a low estimate," says Cheryl Meyer, co-author of "Mothers Who Kill Their Children."


The above statement  is from this source/link:
"When Mother Kill Children"http://momquotes.net/a1209867-when-mothers-kill-children-shocking-but.cfm

I'll close with another article about the subject.
Information is, after all, power.
Unfortunately, not enough power to bring back all the little ones killed by sick mommies.

However, I carry the hope that every now and then, some one sees a warning sign and calls for help.
That's what today's blog is really about.
I think Casey Anthony's parents had no knowledge of, or played any part, in Caylee's death.
I think they were both ignorant to a possibility they couldn't perceive...
and in extreme denial.
In a way, I think they still are.

More on Killer Moms: http://motherswhokillchildren.blogspot.com/2011/01/filicide-statistics-teenage-children.html

A close friend of mine just sent me the below letter in an email. I thought it was great. A thousand thanks to JB for sharing it with me. If you see humor in it, share away. If you are offended, my apologies in advance. There's plenty of room for comments at the end of the post

Letter To Dr. Laura: Can I Own A Canadian?

"In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.  The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, written by a U.S. man,and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: 


Dear Dr. Laura: 

         Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. 
I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. 

         I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 

         1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both  
male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? 
Why can't I own Canadians? 

         2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 

         3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 

         4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 

         5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 

         6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination? 

         7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God, if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 

         8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 

         9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football, if I wear gloves? 

         10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. 

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. 


Your adoring fan. James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,  Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia 


PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)"

Killer Bath Salts

This PI has to hit the road again and so, this message will be brief.
I have blogged before about Bath Salts being used for purposes other than bathing.
People are using them to get high.

Yes, the synthetic drugs crisis situation across this country is growing worse.
Yet who among us would ever consider something that sounds so innocuous as "Bath Salts" to be both  a drug of choice and an instrument of death?
Poison control centers are now flooded with Bath Salt calls.
People are dropping like flies because they choose such dangerous and in my opinion, absurd, highs.

I often investigate injuries that happen to soldiers and their families after the soldier returns from Iraq, Afghansitan, wherever.
We have so many military bases here in the Pacific Northwest I go on base or off meeting, to meet with soldiers who are about to deploy or have just returned.

Without failure, if I have a soldier as a client, badly injured in an auto wreck...
he or she has trouble understanding how they survived a war...
then were brought down here at home by DWI, someone uses a cell while texting, two teens road racing or a lousy driver.
However, the link I am leading you to is a whole different story.
This soldier and his wife were brought down by Bath Salts.
Bath salts? Really?
Just follow this  link and it will lead you to the whole disturbing story:
Are Bath Salts To Blame in Soldier and Wife's Death? http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/06/14/1704967/bath-salts-blamed-in-2-deaths.html

In April, a mother, father and their five year old son were also done in...
by Bath Salts!
Evidently the high is similar to Meth... which leads down one road, addiction, madness and death.
So with Bath Salts in Dad's system (I'm not sure about Mom), one or both allegedly smothered their five year old son... left his dead body home.... took to the road...
and then both were killed in a collision.
Here's a link to that story. Also quite disturbing.
Are Bath Salts To Blame In Dad, Mom and Child's Deaths? http://www.973kiro.com/?nid=11&sid=468601


I think it best to close with a the following You Tube video, which include testimony from an actual  Bath Salt User.
It may help you understand more about a concept that was... and still is.... unfathomable. 
At least to me.

20-year-old admits 'bath salts' almost killed her

Out Of Minutes

I am rushing today, per usual.
Yet I managed to squeeze in two hours this a.m. to blog about two suicides that occurred in the past two months to people close to me.
The blog was also about preventing one more.

It was one of my better blogs, if I do say so myself.
And then, as we all tend to do, I pushed a wrong button...
or sent some kind of negative energy into cyberspace...
and the blog was zapped away. Erased.
Every single word of it.
I'm sure you know the feeling.
It's like writing the first two pages of a masterpiece and having them spontaneously combust.
May I say "argggghhhh."

However, there was a point to that blog and I will not leave today without making it, via a You Tube.
Because this blog is really for one of my blog readers who I just got off the phone with.
Long story short... he wants to kill himself.
Today.
I do not want him to.
I have lost two people I know to suicide in the past two months and enough is enough I told him.
I don't think he was listening.
We talked through every option for survival.
He is broke, homeless, has no one who loves him, wants him, no state aid, epilepsy and chronic pain from a bone disease.
His family won't help him and he has run out of couches to surf on.
I thought I had him convinced at least they'd give him a bed and three square meals for a little while.
He didn't say a word to that.
In fact all he said to "I've got to go. I'm out of minutes."
I have tried to reach him three times since I told him to "Get into an ER or Crisis Center now."

His pay as you go phone rings to nothingness.
I know no one to call, don't even know if his name is real because he is not a Facebook friend.
He is a blog reader, far across the sea, in an country....
who emailed me in response to a blog I wrote once about a Suicide Bridge.
The song that follows has been posted several times, in different versions on this blog and my wall.
That's because I love it.
And it says something in a way I can't.
To my friend, if you are still out there, please "don't give up."
You never know how the story will end if you give it just one....more...day.

"Don't Give Up"/ Peter Gabriel & Paula Cole

Finding Daddy

We all have or had one.
Some of us know theirs, others do not.
Some of us have been lovingly held in our Daddy's arms, had Daddy wipe our tears and lift us when we fall.
Others have never known unconditional, safe Daddy love.
And others still have been hurt beyond description by Daddy.

Today, I will helping an adopted child find her birth Daddy.
It is a complex and delicate process, because a PI can not reunite people unless certain procedures are followed to protect the privacy and safety of all parties involved.
For instance, if I do find Daddy and Daddy is a druggie, or a sex offender,  homeless,  psycho or a leech... what then?
What would you do?
If I found out Daddy was alive and a world of trouble....
maybe it's best Daddy not be found?

And I, as a PI,  can't just go up to my client's Daddy and say, "Hey Big Daddy, here's the name and address of your long lost daughter."
That would be immoral, unethical and in many states, illegal.
He could be a Predator.
Or he could be a decent man with a family of his own whose wife long ago kidnapped his kid.
Daddy may have been the victim here....
perhaps Mommy hid my client from her Daddy and Mommy is actually a criminal.

So what I do in cases like these...
if I should find Daddy...
I will background Daddy.
I will look for evidence Daddy is okay, sane, stable...
then I might give Daddy a a letter, which I have read, written by his daughter.
I would read it to be sure it contained no identifying information in terms of the daughter's location, address or phone.
I would ask Daddy to give me a letter I could give back to his daughter.
I would be the go-between, until I am certain a safety net is  securely in place.

My client's Daddy disappeared shortly after she was born.
Allegedly, her parents divorced and she was told by Mommy he walked and never looked back when his daughter was 3 years old.
My client has nothing but fleeting memories and one wrinkled photo of him holding her in his arms.
I have that photo .
I have been looking at that photo and searching databases...
gathering info...
filling out forms....
including all the legal releases I need...
all the requisite Public Disclosure and Freedom Of Information  Act requests to find Daddy.
Yet I am conflicted.
She lived her whole life without him.
Now she is 25 and wants to find him "sooooo bad" she said.
"Why?" I asked her. "Why now?"

"Because I"m pregnant" she said. "I just found out. And I need to know, if only for my baby, what medical conditions may run in my family."
I ask if that's the only reason.
Her eyes welled with tears.
"I want my Daddy."

What do you say to that?
Me, the PI... I knew my Daddy.
I loved my Daddy.
My Daddy did the best for me he could based on how we was raised, what he knew and what he learned. He was not perfect, no one is. Yet he never violated me. I had no doubt he loved me. Unconditionally.
He stayed with my mother, loved my mother, loved me and my siblings like there was no tomorrow.
Then my Daddy died.

My client  never knew her Daddy.
Never really talked to her Daddy that she can recall.
Never understood why her Daddy left.
And still, to this very day, can't fathom why Daddy didn't try to find her.
Which leads me to yet another concern.
What if I find out her Daddy is dead?

It is with this case in mind, that I add the song above and these words to my blog.

We may look in the mirror and see wrinkles...
yet inside, we are still the little wounded warriors we were as children.
Time changes our bodies and our perspectives...
yet I have observed it does little to  quell the sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness and despair you feel... when someone you loves, leaves your life.
Dead or alive.

This is not a happy blog post.
However, it a real blog post.
Just because I was fortunate enough to have a Daddy who allowed me to believe I could be and do anything I wanted...
doesn't mean everyone else does.

Compassion is all I ask from whoever reads this blog, for those who have not had it as good as they have.
Some people were born with all the luck, love, health and wealth in the world.
Others were dealt a bad hand from birth.
Children have no choice what cards are laid in front of them.
Sad truth is -- sometimes, there is no Ace up anyone's sleeve.

Frankie J - Daddy's Little Girl

Of Liars And Lies

"I was involved, deeply involved, in a deception...
I have deceived my friends - and I had millions of them."
Charles Van Doren
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------h
Chances are you haven't heard the story of Charles Van Doren, unless you've seen the movie or are old enough, like me, to remember the scandal.
However, I've studied the case and am still learning from it because lies are webs we investigators untangle every day to get at the truth.
Van Doren's case is one great case in point in my study of lies.
While many say "follow the money"
I agree. With one addendum, "Follow the lies."

Simply stated, Charles Van Doren lied.
Then the lie dug its way deep inside his entire being....
burrowing through him like some kind of parasite...
until it ruined his life and exposed an industry which was not only vulnerable to lies, it was a industry laden with them.

Not to say that much has changed over the years.
Reality TV isn't real.
They just show the parts they think you want to see.
And in real life, we have people buying into and imitating the lies the media feeds us.
Lies about how to look, how to act, what to weigh, how to be, who to love.
Lies that if you live alone you are not whole.
Lies that a bad relationship is better than no relationship.
Lies about what constitutes success.
Lies about what will and won't make you happy.
Lies that wrinkles suck, weight is an enemy, age is a burden, pain isn't real, money makes you better than others.

The  TV lies from my childhood about the "perfect" family -- Ward, June and Beaver Cleaver...
Father Knows Best... 
The Andy Griffith Show with Aunt Bea...
all those shows, when compared to my real life,  made made me feel, as a kid,  that maybe my life wasn't or never would be "normal."

And late in my life, I was still buying into those lies...
especially when I re-married and blended families... my two daughter, his two kids...
I relied on the Brady Bunch as my role model.
I never once considered the Amityville Horror.
Fortunately, my new expanded family... ultimately... blended well.
Though it took time and it took experience/guidance/knowledge the TV shows never provided.

That said, this post is about one man who made a massive lie that destroyed his life and few others.
His name is Charles Van Doren.
This lie was all about money... and fame.
I'm not sure whether Van Doren was was spoon-fed that lie, or he just snorted it up...
because allegedly, it did not originate with him.
However, he became one with... and embodied the lie.
Then the lie grew within him and the industry like a soul-sucking parasite until he was done.
The lie exposed.
Rather than blog about the story, I'm going to post a link right after the last sentence of this post that describes what went down in Van Doren's own words.

Let this be a lesson to us all.
Lies are like tornadoes.
Often they come on strong out of the gate.
Other times they are small then churn, cycle, circle and spin into a vortex that sucks in all within its range.
For an investigator, the key is dissecting or exposing lies.
Separating truth from fiction.

The challenge is this:
often the person telling the lie can only contain that lie by lying to himself...herself... or others.
The lie is told so often, it can appear the liar actually believes the lie.
"I never had sex with that woman" said Clinton.
Perhaps, in his mind, what he did wasn't sex, though I believe he was lying.
And then of course, witness the late and no longer great John Edwards.
His life and career are officially toast because of his lies.


Or take the trial of Casey Anthony.
Her defense is now, "Okay, maybe I did kill Caylee, though it was an accident and I freaked out."
If this were the case, it doesn't explain the duct tape and little sticky heart (the same kind mom and daughter used to play with) on the duct tape allegedly  used to cover what was left of Caylee's tiny little mouth.
Nor could Casey's lies to her parents, police, everyone about Zanny the nanny... or working at Universal Studios.... hide the smell of death from her car trunk.
However, watching the trial, I see how smart her lawyers are being, or attempting to be.
They are exposing her lies as part of her defense.
Now they say Caylee's mother, accused murderer Casey, had a life-long chronic history of lying due to her father's newly announced, alleged sexual abuse of Casey, his own daughter.
Her lawyers, it appears, are blaming those closest to her for not only causing her lies, but also for not seeing or addressing those lies her entire life.
In essence, Casey's lawyers are attempting to deflect, to blame, Casey Anthony's family for being the source of those lies.
That they claim, could be cause of Caylee's "accidental" death.
The defense theorizes the family literally drove Casey crazy, contributing to Caylee's death, by not recognizing and/or  stopping those lies.

S'cuse me, can you say... B.S.?

So be forewarned, you liars, liars liars.
Your pants are on fire and you will go down in flames.
Maybe not on the scale  Madeoff, Weiner, Casey Anthony or Charles van Doren did...
however, lies are webs that will entrap you and choke the life out of you, sooner or later.
And only the truth... and nothing but the truth.... will set you fee.

Just follow this link to read, in Van Durning's own words, his actual testimony... the story of his lie.It is a lesson that rippled to millions and allegedly changed the way one industry does business.
Link to Van Charles Van Doren testimony: http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6566/

Anthony Weiner's Lazy Song - Kidd Kraddick In The Morning

Weiner Roast

My apologies in advance. I know the below smacks of major sensationalism.
I just couldn't resist posting this You Tube video because this whole Weiner business is getting better by the day.
As I travel my rounds, listening to the left, the right, and NPR on every station Seattle offers, opinions are varied.
Re: Weiner.... should he stay or should he go?
Evidently Donald Trump has an opinion on the matter.

Donald Trump on Anthony Weiner 6/7/11

RE: Mommy Dearest vs. TSA - Full Version

Below is the complete uncut version filmed by a persistent son after he filmed his hysterical Mommy flipping out at TSA Checkpoint. I think Mommy has issues with being touched. It's a full ten minutes and it's fascinating to me to see how everyone reacts while the son holds his legal ground. While I admire her son's tenacity and calm under pressure as he filmed and was confronted by various authorities, I can't help but wonder what life is like behind closed doors in that house. I sure wouldn't want to sit next to that mommy on a plane at 30,000 feet.

Son Films Mommy Dearest at TSA Checkpoint

Mumford & Sons - The Cave || Lyrics Video

Before You Say "I Do"

It's been way too long since I blogged.
I have excuses... good ones.
I also believe "excuses are the pillars of fools."
So I will spare you my excuses for letting this blog go unattended.
Suffice to say, I've been more than a bit busy investigating this week.
Then end result is I am bursting with wisdom this fine Pacific Northwest morning...
so I figured I'd share the knowledge and vent at the same time as I sometimes find these domestic disturbances cases I work, quite disturbing.
Because when it comes to love for the first one to nine months, it can truly blind, deaf and dumb.
That's how long experts say it takes the hormones to wear off and the true  conflicts/ cheating/ fighting to start.

Normally, I sub-contract out the cheating spouses/partners cases.
Unless it's someone I care about.... or fraud is involved.

Usually when someone calls and asks me to find out why their partner goes somewhere without them  for evenings, weekends and takes trips without them, I first probe, then usually deliver my standard response.
"If you think they're cheating, they are. Don't hire me, save your money for a good divorce attorney." They hire me... or another PI... anyway.

The fact is, by the time you have a PI following your lover/ partner, the relationship is NOT in good shape. And when those tides turn, emotional waters get rough with undertows and riptides.
When I realize my client is being used, abused, lied to, cheated on... I am more concerned about  securing that client's financial and emotional hatches than saving their drowning illusion or delusion.

So  one day this week, there were two of us following a wealthy man's wife.
I have worked for this man a couple of times over the years.
There are always people after him, his business, threatening to sue him.
He is rich, very handsome, successful and any woman would want this guy if he was single.
However, he is not single.
He is married and has four children, the oldest in middle school.
And he is intensely loyal to his wife of 15 years.
He told me he has never cheated... yet only he knows whether that is the truth... though I tend to believe him.
There are some men, or women, who would never cheat on their partners.
Likewise, there are some people who would never insult, criticize or demean their partners to others.
In fact, there are some people who would never betray a trust, friendship, love or loyalty.
My husband, for example, is one of them.
And I believe the man I just mentioned, the wealthy man who asked me to follow his wife is also one of those loyal, moral, ethical men.

My client said there are times his wife goes places she doesn't want him to go.
She has a separate group of friends... the "girls" she says.
When it's girls night out, he figured it was just that.

Yet when she recently started to take  trips without him, a weekend, week or even a couple weeks with the girls...  he said, "I'd like to join you."
She said, "No honey,  it's just a girl's thing."

Being the primary financier of her recreational adventures (she worked until her business went under just after the wedding), this wealthy man felt that something may be up and called me.
This week, he asked me to follow his wife who was going off on another of her mysterious adventures. I was up for a little chase and adrenalin, so another PI and I were off and running, on her tail for a day.

The good news was that day... the only affair she had was with a high-end department store which was having its yearly sale, which is precisely where she told her husband she was going.
I thought he'd be thrilled. Not so. He still doesn't believe her.

So he asked me to put GPS on her car.
I respectfully declined.
He asked me to tap her phone, put a key stroke monitor on her computer.
Again, I said no.
I explained Washington is a two-party consent state and I am simply not willing to lose my license or go to jail or put him in harms way for violating privacy laws.

I asked her if he pays her cell bills. He said yes.
I told him to study the numbers -- incoming and outgoing see if there were ones he didn't recognize that came up more frequently than others.
These unknown numbers could be run through the reverse directory and reveal truths.

He asked if more surveillance  could be done to be sure she wasn't cheating.
I  said yes, though he could spend lots of money and still find nothing.
He was insistent on another surveillance.
So I suggested he plan a "business trip" and tell her... a few weeks in advance...  he is going out of town on a Friday or Saturday night. Both nights if he's willing to spring for it.
I said once a partner is sure the other is out of state, they go out of their  loyal/dutiful, girlfriend/spouse mode and into the arms of another.
I told him I suspect if she has an affair, she will act on it when she knows he is far far away.
So he scheduled a business trip.
And my calendar is  now marked for a single Saturday night weeks from now.
We will have two cars, a team of investigators.
We will be on her like white on rice.
I don't want her to be cheating. I really don't.
He loves her.
He has a huge amount of money.
He owns a business and buildings.
If she is cheating and they divorce, there goes half of everything he's got, not to mention maintenance and child support...
because Washington is a no fault divorce state.
The minute you marry, without a pre-nup, at least half of everything you have becomes your soon to ex's.

I am using this story of a long term marriage as an example... because I have several cases now of people suddenly meeting and marrying within 4 months.
These  quickie romances are not turning out well.

See... people are not usually what they appear to be.
You don't see a person's true essence, character, how they act under pressure and how well they treat you...  until time reveals it to you.
They can beautiful on the outside, yet their insides can be broken...
and someone who has fallen in love with another may not notice the fatal flaws.

People can appear to be affluent, successful.... while they are slowly sinking in a financial quagmire and desperately seeking a way out.
Or maybe they are emotionally unstable, yet able to hold it together long enough to dupe the person they hope will make them whole.
The frustrating part of being is a PI is when we catch these bad acts going on....
the person who hires us still won't believe.... or leave.
Many times I have caught cheaters on tape... and still their partners stay.
One women who actually caught her husband cheating said his response was,
"Who are you gonna' believe. Me or your lying eyes?"

Cheating is so preponderant, it's almost old school.
Ask California's muscleman governor, now turned Marriage Terminator.
Ask John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James,  or the head of the International Monetary Fund.

Cheating is one thing.
Marrying someone for their money or assets is another.
This is what really gets my goat because I am getting more and more of these cases.
To me these deceptive marriages are more about fraud than cheating.
I have actually heard... many times... from both men and women going through horrible domestic disputes or divorces, "Next time I am marrying for money, not love."
These are the people you have to look out for.
Once they have failed at several marriages, three or more, you can be fairly sure the next ones won't be keepers. 

I will say this again, it is worth repeating.
Without a pre-nup, the minute you marry...  at least half of everything you have becomes the other person's.
And all of their debts and liabilities, family history and dysfunctions become yours.

I say this as a hypocrite.
I married without a pre-nup the second (and final) time.
I did not follow my advice. That was before I knew enough to have given this advice.
So I guess I got lucky.
Then again, I didn't have huge assets to protect.
We both brought equal money... and each of us brought two kids....his sons, my daughters... to the table.

However I studied everything about the man who asked me to marry him before I said yes.
I studied his background, his family, his long term relationship,  his healthy relationship with his family and children, there was a solid, stable human being there.
Sure there was a wild "bad boy" past, 14 years in the military will do that to you.
There were ups and downs in his background, however, nothing alarming.
I  also took many steps before we co-mingled our lives.
I introduced him to my family and friends and then listened....
ok...interrogated.... everyone I cared about who met him.
Everyone liked him.
In fact, our kids, my daughter, his son... introduced us.

He made sure I met every single one of his friends.
I spent evenings with them.
He said they too gave him a thumbs up for me.
Both of us felt burned by our prior marriages and had been single a long time.
We were both cautious.

I have a mom who is a therapist.
She's taught me more than few things about love and life.
She said one of the best ways to judge the long term potential of a relationship...
is to study the relationship the person you are seeing has with their immediate family.
If there's alienation between your new girlfriend/boyfriend and their  mother and father....
or your new lover and their children....
proceed with extreme caution and examine/investigate/scrutinize why these relationships went sour.

Was  physical or psychological abuse involved?
That's one reason a child might stop talking to a mother or father.
Why would a parent cut a kid out of their life?
Was the kid a bad seed? Really and truly bad -- violent,  stealing, drugging, angry, bed-wetting, animal killing,  pre-serial killer type behavior?

What if  the person you are seeing has cut his or her own kids out of their life deliberately just because the parent doesn't  like their child's spouse? Or because parent and child simply had an argument?
That's serious stuff of the major red flag variety...  marrying someone estranged from their family.

Of course there are no absolutes.
Did a child refuse to talk to their mother despite the mother's attempts to reconcile?
In that case, if the mother tried and tried and tried to no avail...what can she do?
There are exceptions and objections to every theory...
though it is said.. "the best a relationship will ever be, is in the very beginning."
So if you're in the first few months of a relationship and you've already had big fights, let's just say, it's gonna' get worse.

And if you fight often with a person you are dating or engaged to...
and if they are alienated from their children and don't care...
or they talk about you behind your back...
and for some reason your kids are saying "whoa, hold on, don't do it"...
it's like a DNA test.
In my mind, there's a 99.9% chance a marriage with that person will turn out badly.
And in this PI's opinion, it is far better to live alone happily than  marry someone with whom you will live miserably.

May I suggest the following...

Make no big life moves to a new partner/spouse without "vetting", studying, or back grounding them... including doing your own psychological profile beforehand.
It would be great if you could run their credit report, you can't without their permission.
But you can get a big picture with careful study, question and observations.
You can look beneath any surface and know even though someone appears beautiful, successful, affluent and rich -- that could very well be a complete and total lie.
They could be sinking in this financial hell hole we call the current economy and will drag you down with them. Despite the fact you thought  they have it all together.

I could not count the number of relationships I have seen in my many years as  a PI that started out where one partner (rich) was crazy about another partner (appearing rich but financially sinking)...and the second partner marries the first.
Poof!
Sinking partner moves into a beautiful home and now owns half that home without a pre nup.
The kids.... who always see this coming... try to raise red flags, but the new predatory partner quickly eliminates them from the equation. Then the friends go. Sinking partner used affluent partner to climb to the surface, essential isolating everyone in their new conquest's life.

So here's what I suggest to everyone out there who falls in love and wants to tie the knot before the 1-9 month hormonal relationship wears off.
Test the strength of the rope before you tie the knot.

• Live together a while.
• Endure a few good fights.
• Make sure your new love includes, or at least invites you on ALL their adventures with friends.

An example -- I fished with my second husband while dating because he loves fishing.
Now I rarely go because I work so much...
however I am always invited EVERYWHERE he goes.
And though I invite him,  he chooses not to go out on with me on girls night out.
When he's with the guys, I tend to let him be.

Beware of yellers, screamers, name callers, people who bark orders, demand you comply.
He has never once called me a name behind my back or to my face.
He does not want me to change who I am because he likes me the way I am.

And most important... the real deal breaker...according to my mom the therapist...
would be drinking/drugs or cheating.
My husband doesn't drink.
When I occasionally do savor my  wine or martini, I tend to get surly... or depressed.
(Alcohol is a social lubricant and depressant)
The fact that he is sober, tends to diffuse any conflict immediately.
Two people fueled by alcohol inevitably leads to implosion or explosion.
Especially as we age.


RE: the other deal breaker.... cheating.
I know for a fact my husband will never cheat on me.  Nor I him.
He is my best friend and loyal and I believe my birth daughters love him.
And I love his birth sons.
All the children, now adults, hit crisis points as all kids do and all come to and through our nest,  with love and open arms.
Blended families are difficult. It has not been 100% smooth sailing.
More like a mix between the Waltons and Amityville Horror.
Yet because my husband is so stable psychologically and never witnessed his parents scream, argue, or insult each other...
because he saw how well his father treated his mother and how all the kids in his family love each other and their parents...
we've been happy, stable for more than a decade... despite the challenges blended families bring.

So  I close with this advice for all considering a "marriage" of any sorts -- personal or professional.

1. If marrying someone,  go for a long engagement if you haven't been together long. Wait at least 9 months  until the hormones wear off and the true personas reveal themselves.

• 50% of first marriages end in divorce. 
• 70% of second ones end in divorce. 
• You have to have something amazing going on in a relationship to beat the odds.
• The families must meld.
• That person must welcome you into ALL areas of their lives.
• Even if you choose not to go on a trip they take, a true love will invite you.
• People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

2. Look for warning signs.  Does your new honey:

• Want you to change... to dress differently, act differently?
• Tell you how to live your life?
• Alienate you from your family and friends?  
• Tell you what to do?
• Include you in their inner sanctum of friends? 

3. If going into business with someone, it's the same as a marriage.

• Get a sense of where they are financially, psychologically, emotionally.
• In a professional partnership, you can check credit and money issues
• Bring in a forensic accountant to study their books

4.  When you feel like marrying, introduce your future life partner to everyone of your oldest and dearest friends first and ask them what they think.

• Your friends are a better judge of whether a person's right for you because love is the antithesis of objectivity

5. If marrying and you have assets, get a pre-nup.

• If you think this is truly the love of your life and it's not necessary, you are deluding yourself.  
• Nothing will take you the poverty level faster than losing half what you have to someone in a divorce.  

In the process of fighting, separating, or divorce, people freak out.
It gets dark, ugly, mean. People lose their jobs, sanity, even lives. 
Then the party's not only over... you got yourself a wake.

It is time now to close this blog because I must work on a murder that came from such circumstances. He chose her because of her money, then he killed her.
Fortunately the murders are the exception.... the divorces in bad marriages are the norm.
I have at least one of these cases every six months to a year.
In this case, the man, the killer, was asset hungry.
He  was a good looking guy who appeared successful with multiple businesses and she had no clue this was an illusion.
She was an heiress.
He was scum.
 
Once the his new bride  put two and two together...
figured out he was a jerk, insulting and demeaning her behind her back to everyone, including his own kids...
going on long trips without her...
refusing to include her in any of his activities...
intimacy stopped, unless they both drank.
Then... not only he, but she was drinking like a fish....
and they were fighting like sharks.
Her family couldn't stand him.
Finally, she wanted out.
He didn't want to sell the  incredible estate/house he moved into.
He didn't want to pay divorce attorneys.
So he killed her
He made sure they got life insurance when they they married,  made it look like a suicide and within two years she was dead. He was rich. Her kids, bereft.
I have been hired by the kids.
The case is now in probate while the police... and another PI and I dig for evidence to help the prosecutor find probable cause to get this guy charged and get the money back to the family.

Of course this is an extreme.
Most bad unions just end badly.
In my best case  break-up scenario.... people are alienated, money is lost, dreams die. 
In worst case scenarios, think Humpty Dumpty.
All the kings horses and all the kinds men couldn't put Humpty together again.