Break Ups - Part 1

Break Ups are mercurial.
Meaning they are like Mercury... not the planet but the chemical, which is also called Quicksilver. Mercury is solid and safe enough in the confines of a thermometer. It's the only common metal that is liquid at ordinary temperatures.

Mercury has its good sides and bad.

On the good side, Mercury is used in barometers, manometers and thermometers. It has a high rate of constant expansion over wide temperature ranges. It comes in handy in the process of recovering gold.

Set loose from its confines, the mass of Mercury breaks  into tiny balls that take on lives of their own, with unpredictable shapes and pathways.
This is the bad side of Mercury, it's dangerous because it can disrupt the central nervous system and damage brain functions. One touch can kill you.

It's like that with Break Ups.
One couple splits, or divorces... and  new sets of personalities and their interactions form.
These new life forms are a witch's brew of negative emotions that reach a rolling boil of anger, fear, disrespect, betrayal, foreboding, fury, frustration, rejection, vindication, reconciliation, retribution, revenge.

When someone walks out on you, or cheats on you, your soul, body and mind react with the highest  degree of stress response.
In a divorce, the choice is usually flight for the one who leaves and fight for the one who is left.
And your survival, or the survival of the one you feel betrayed you, depends on the sanity of all the actors in this all-to-real, all-to-common drama.

A partner, or spouse with a screw loose may snap and pull the trigger on one lost love... or their whole family.

In my experience, people in periods of emotional crises, either implode or explode.
When they implode, they harm themselves... some going so far as to choose suicide as the only way to end their emotional pain.
Other times they explode and seek revenge. They cause  harm or death to the person they once loved and now demonize.

Let me preface by saying domestics -- calls to homes involving conflict  between family members, particularly partners or spouses --  are the most volatile,  dangerous and deadly for police.
I am also convinced they are the most dangerous ones for investigators because every time I and other investigators I work with have been chased or hassled  by someone, it has been when  we were working domestics.

There is nothing more volatile, treacherous, unpredictable and unrelenting as a Break Up or Divorce between: a man and woman;  a woman and woman;  or  a man and man. Domestic Violence is an equal opportunity destroyer.

That said, there's a story on the news today I will link this blog to. It's probably on U Tube by now.
A couple on a Carnival cruise had a fight that witnesses on the ship heard.
(You'll get the full story about that case if you click on the title of this blog. It's a link should take you there.)
It just happened.
He said something about how if she did something, he'd jump.
She said, "Go ahead."
He jumped... out of the ship and into the sea, the cold rolling ocean, in the middle of the night.
Personally, I think he over-reacted.
But I digress.

Next thing, people hear his cries for help from the sea. He is saved by a Disney ship in the area.
I suspect their relationship will not be saved.
At least I hope not.
Because that last act will be a tough one to follow.

I  am an encyclopedia full of domestic tales of terror, trauma, torture, tempests and woes. Every new P.I. cuts his or her teeth on such domestic cases.
At first they are quite thrilling, filled with adrenalin rush and constant activity -- be it the sordid stories and players, the  surveillance, backgrounds, contacts with divorce attorneys.  I've photographed cheaters in countless places... and positions.

And I've shattered many an illusion that  illusion-holders are unwilling to get rid of.

One of the hard jobs in my domestic cases has been catching cheaters. The hardest part is convincing the person who hired me it really is true.
And perhaps it's time to move on.

Once a cheater. Always a cheater.
Yes, there are exceptions, but they are not the norm.
If he or she swears they only did it just once and it was a rare, drunken moment ....
and the betrayed partner is willing...
and if you go through intensive therapy and stay together 24/7....
and if you make some kind of huge commitment not to cheat, then maybe there's a chance.
I have known couples who have made it past a mid-life crisis or two.

However, I am not optimistic when it comes to betrayal and cheaters. I  believe the cheater continues to cheat.
And  cheaters only admit to the acts they've been caught at or confess to.

I also believe people cheat because it is a compulsion,  an addiction, a need to be wanted in the same way an alcoholic, gambler or drug addict needs the fix.

That's why so many people coming out of recovery have to go through recovery more times before it sticks. Once clean, they chase the dragon for that first pure initial hit or high believing they can keep it under control.
Such is the case with cheaters, betrayers.
And such is the purpose of this Blog on Breaking Up...
the first part in a series inspired by all the domestics I  have worked all these years. And the phone calls I continue to get.

A lot of Break Ups are happening by email these days, this is new. And, in my opinion, tacky. If you are going to cut and run, why be a coward about it?

Mostly, Break-Ups have to do with two things --  cheating or money.

And I think mostly, a cheater cheats for one (or more) of four reasons:
1. because they are addicted to it
2. because they are not getting "it" 
3. because they were targeted by someone who wanted them or "it".
4. because they were stoned, drunk, high.

Whatever the reasons, it's a moot point by the time I, or an attorney. get involved.
By then, it's too late to reconcile.
It simply becomes a matter of Damage Control... the subject of tomorrow's blog.